rings email host

Monday, Aug. 23, 2004, 8:55 a.m.: after life..

I'm trying a new thing with myself. I'm testing out my ability to spend time alone with me. Now, it may sound a little stupid but I'm really interested to see if I can just be alone with myself. I've also been trying to slow down my thoughts, my obsessing a/b whacked shit. I've come to the conclusion that my mind is use to always having something on it, and b/c of that, I might as well fill it with something productive...something that can further my career or biz or life. I've also started to do alot of reading too. I think that @ least will take up some of the space in there.

So, I went out again with the new boy this w/e. It's funny how with some people we're willing to hand over all control and with others we can become stubborn bulls with our heels dug into the ground. I don't quite understand how that works. I'm telling myself that I'm @ a place where I don't want to be the one to be making all the decisions and so I hand them all over to him. I tell myself that I'm trying out the other side of my personality...the one that isn't controlling and anal and just wants to go with the flow. He has the power, right now, to make me submit to him the minute I see him. I turn into this teenaged girl, laughing and agreeing to everything he says. It's a nice change. It's nice that we can agree a/b most things so far and the things we don't agree with we can accept the other's point of view. I'm sick of fighting and bashing heads and dealing with people who don't understand me or who can't accept me for who I am. We're, so far, a very good match. We went to eat by the water this time. I make him order for me, and we put this show on for everyone a/r us...as if I'm his slave and he's my master. We have alot of fun together...the chemistry is phenomenal. It was weird though, the whole night everyone was just leering @ me. I think I must glow when I'm with him and the way he walks with me is like I'm always on display and he's my keeper. Fuck, I'm getting wrapped up in this situation!! @ one point this guy walks by us and goes, 'Wow, that girl is beautiful'. Now I have never EVER had anyone say that upfront like that...I'm telling you he makes my blood rich. @ the end of the night we ended up making out like school kids in the car. This boy is a fucking animal!! He was devouring my whole body for two straight hours and I was like putty in his hands. Dangerous stuff going on here. He has these beautiful hazel eyes and @ one point, as they were filled with sex, I swear they were fucking glowing...it was so hot! It's been a very long time since I've had someone that I felt I could connect to in so many ways. I keep having to ask myself if this is for real, or if something is going to go wrong. I'm trying though to just take it all in stride and enjoy every moment for what it is. I guess ultimately that's all I can do. He wanted me to stay the night with him, but I had told my Grandmother that I would be home so I made the decision to not. I'm also trying to drag out the finaly conquest as long as I can...wouldn't want him to all of a sudden start taking me for granted now, would I? I want him to work HARD. He's talking a/b taking me to Europe for two weeks in October and well, I'm all for it.

Aside from that, I've got an agent interview coming up this week. If I sign with this woman, I'm still going to keep sending out packages. I just hope it starts to pick up soon b/c I need work. I've got big plans and w/o the industry booming my plans here will be shot to shit...that cannot happen. We went out for dinner last night for my Mother's beladed b-day. When I was in NY I went to a psychic with my girlfriend, for fun. She told me that I harboured alot of resentment and negative energy directly related to my mother and that I needed to learn to let it go. She said that my mother was a very weak woman and in that moment I felt sadness and then empowerment. My mother is obviously not perfect, nobody is, but knowing that I'm the strong one makes me feel as if I have the power to make our relationship better. I'm trying to be more gentle with her now and I'm trying to deter my reaction to attack her in any way I can b/c of the hurt I feel. I can't depend on her to understand and make the changes, I have to rely on myself and I do want to live past 30, so. I also notice that when I have a problem with her it seems that my whole family does too. They feel what I feel and resent her too for her behaviour towards me and then towrads them. They look up to me, and value my opinion and behaviour, and I have a 10 yr old sister that needs guidance too...along with a 23 yr old and my father too. I hope I'm not a/b to die?! They say that b/f you die you begin to make peace with everyone that's hurt you in your life, so that you're ready for the after life. Am I paro or what?!?!