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Friday, Aug. 20, 2004, 9:48 a.m.: flying...

I've been back here for a few days now and, while I've managed to get back into the groove of things, I'm still not happy to be here. I would much rather be back in NYC with all the rustle and bustle, taking the subway and having to walk everywhere. I mean, every night we would get back to our place to clean up, my feet would be killing me so much, but it was fucking worth every bit of pain. It makes a huge difference having to sit @ a desk for pretty much 8hrs a day and not being as physical. The only reason I had to come back was b/c I knew there was no way I could afford to stay in NY and even if I could, not being a citizen was going to pose a bit of a problem for me. Gotta work that shit out first. Anyways, I had a fucking awesome time. It was amazing how clear my head was when I was there. For most of the time I was there I literally did not worry or think a/b one single thing...it was so freeing. I'm trying to keep that mentality up now that I'm back. It was scary @ first, I thought there was something wrong with me b/c my head was so empty! Now I'm not saying that I wont think a/b anything anymore, just that I want to eliminate the more trivial things that I tend to stress a/b. They're really not necessary and they cause me to forget a/b the important things I need to be focussing on. I usually have so many things running through my head @ one time, I'm surprised that I'm still alive right now! SO that's the pact I've made with myself, every since I got back. I'm also going to spend more time alone, with myself, and meditate more so that I can de-stress and clear my mind. I want to feel in my body again, and @ one with the world a/r me. It's very easy for me to become detached and I don't find it healthy. Or so often, I'll go spend time with someone that I should be mad @ just b/c I don't 'feel' like being alone...b/c I'm bored. And what is 'bored' anyways, there's always something I can be doing that can connect me to ME and not just get me away from the feeling of being alone or whatever else is plauging my mind. So that's that...my promie to myself. My NY trip was much needed.

Coming home was surpirsing b/c I was missing the new boy in my life. I kinda found that odd and when I called him to let him know I was back, we had a fucking 2hr [PLUS] convo on the phone. So far, things are going really well with us...I've found us to be fairly equal in reagrds to most things and we can both handle the other one very well. AND I love the fact that I'm so horny when I'm on the phone with him...sex is VERY important to me. I have to connect with someone sexually to really feel understood by them. He wants to take me away for a weekend in September. Originally our plans were to head out to LA but he's since changed his mind b/c 'he doesn't want to have people he knows in the city that he'll feel he has to say hello to, b/c it will defeat the purpsoe of the trip'. I thought that was cute, only thing is that that put restrictions on me if we go back to NY for the weekend. The rule is that I CANNOT call anyone I know in the city, if we go there. NY is where I want to go, but I guess I can pass it up for somewhere else instead, just to change up the scenery for me a bit. I'm looking for someone who can just be free with me, who isn't afraid to express themselves sexually, emotionally, mentally. Someone who can challenge me in all those areas as well and who will keep me on my toes...someone I can just connect with. It's been a long time that I've had somebody like that in my life...I think it's a/b time it comes a/r again.

As far as my acting has been going...I'm still not signed. I got a call from one agent while I was in NY and she wants to meet with me. She's a smaller rung agency but I think I'm going to have to sign with her if nobody else is willing to bit right now. I figure it's better to get in with SOMEONE that can get me in the door, @ least, than to stll have nobody. No agent is NOT going to help me @ all, so what do I have to lose? Nothing...I can only gain. Instead of 'cutting my nose to spite my face', as the saying goes, I should get in with someone who can start getting me in to see casting directors. And who knows, a newer agent will probably push me more and pay more attention to me if she really believes in me. An agent with a bigger agency wouldn't bother. I've still got so much work to do. So it's a welcome home for me. Onto bigger and better things. I need some luck though right now...still.

I went to see a plam reader when I was in NY. She told me alot of shit that really got me thinking a/b how much I need to change my life, and take better care of myself. I can only heal if I acknowledge what's brought me to where I am and why. She talked alot a/b my mother and the pain I carry from her. I apparently have a dark aura surrounding my body due to alot of my past that I haven't wanted to let go of. She also basically told me that for some reason my destiny had been screwed up...that in the last 2 years I should have been in a relationship that would have lead to my marriage. That I should have been in front of her with a ring on my finger and by the end of this year I should have been married. I told her a/b the 'other boy' that I met 2 yrs ago. She nodded to me and goes, 'you felt like the two of you were like one'. I was like WTF?!?! Eyes bulging out of my head!! THEN she goes, 'your emotions are all knotted up in the pit of your stomach, you have to express your feelings more' AND she said shit like, 'you wear a mask that gives the wrong impression of yourself'. All of the stuff she said to me was 110% true...and while she made me feel much better a/b the new girl in this boy's life it made me sad too. I just found out that I may have screwed my own destiny or rather, as it looks now, the both of us screwed ourselves out of our own destiny. Anyways, that was kinda weird for me...so I'll move on. It still makes me want to cry. I think what struck me the most though was that she never went further than the present with me...she didn't tell me a/b any of my future niether biz or personal. Whereas my girlfriend got he whole shebang a/b her married life with kids and everything.

My nights were filled with nightmares in NY though. So I guess while I didn't think a/b anything all day, my sub-conscious was working over-time. I was having some seriously horrible dreams. Murders and rapes and just so much psychologically terrifying shit! It was not cool @ all. One dream scared the fuck out of me in regards to the old boy. A message was sent to me b/c of one of those dreams, one that I couldn't even talk to him a/b b/c it made me so uneasy...heart beating so fast and body trembling. One day I'll have to tell him though. Last night I dreamt that I was flying...over water. I was only learning though. It was as if I had the innate ability but never knew it and so I decided to just take flight and found that I could fly, but @ some points I would doubt myself and I would sink lower. There was a woman with me who was flying too and she was guiding me, pushing me and helping me understand that I could do it. It was very interesting. I'm still thinking a/b that one...