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Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004, 9:44 a.m.: plan...

I watched the movie 'City of God' last night over @ a friend's house. It takes place in the slums of Brazil and shows the socialization and behaviour of the people/gangs who live there. It was fucked b/c kids as young as 8 were running a/r with guns, plotting crimes and going on shooting sprees as if it was nothing. What freaked me out even more was how desencitized I was to the whole thing. I wasn't shocked to see these young kids killing and growing up to be worse off criminals than they started. It was creepy. I was high though too so that may have had something to do with it. The guys I was with were much more emotional a/b the movie and that made me wonder a/b my psyche. I guess I can rationalize these things and see them as all realtive. Watching it though made me even more aware that, down to the core, there are only two types of people in this world when it comes right down to it. Those who thirst for power and those who thirst for peace. Each has the ability to be ruthless but the one who thrives on power will eventually self-destruct and the one who thrives on happiness and peace will...probably end up getting killed by a stray bullet.

It's raining today and that makes me sad. I have to buy one of those lamps that you sit infront of, to make your brain believe that it's nice out. Especially for the winter months when my body really starts to react with the darkness. Someone told me once that they were like $300, or something. I guess it's worth it if it keeps my mood up. It doesn't help that my room has a window that faces the side of another house so I never get any sunlight in...even if it happens to be nice out. That and the fact that my paro Grandmother likes to keep all the drapes and shit CLOSED b/c she worries that perverts are peeking in on her. Fuck, I so need to get out of there!! That will be my next plan.