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Tuesday, Apr. 27, 2004, 9:31 a.m.: breaking the shell...

'I can't help falling in love, I fall deeper and deeper the further I go.' Recognize those? Lyrics to the song 'Deeper' by Madonna and if you think I was talking a/b something trivial here, I'm not. And it's okay I guess. There is nothing I can do a/b it, so I will just submit.

My work-out yesterday kicked ass...MY ass to be exact. Spin took everything out of my legs. I don't know how she did it but I was in pain a/f and I'm not usually like that. Then when I went back to do my legs with the weights, I felt fine. I worked my legs to exhaustion but they didn't hurt like they had been a/f that spin class. Could have been something with the lactic acid build up in them or some shit. It's nice though to go home and just sit down in my big chair and not feel bad a/b relaxing. It makes me feel like there is a purpose for my sitting on my ass and it makes it much more enjoyable. By the time I got in it was time for QAF...great show, as usual. I really have to buy the box sets of all the seasons.

That's going to have to wait though b/c I need to pay for both those concert tickets first and then I have to buy roller blades, second. All of my girlfriend's own a pair and each of them has been asking me to go out blading with them. It's an awesome leg and ass work out and it's perfect for the summer but I need to learn how to do it first. There is no way I'm going out and killing myself b/c I don't know how to stop, or even turn for that matter. Nope, not gonna happen. I wanna know what I'm doing so that I'm prepared for any accident that could happen, any predictable accident @ least.

I burned my fucking ear this morning while I was straightening my hair. Stupid straightening iron! I don't know why I got such a damn thick one...maybe I have a thing for thick things. Maybe? My hair is pretty fine so I could have done with a small sized one instead. Would have been cheaper and they're easier to handle too. So, who has been watching that trash called the Swan?? This has got to be one of the most disgusting shows I've seen so far, in this whole reality television bombardment. They take women who are not 'esthetically beautiful', who look disheveled and just ordinary really. So basically they take everyday people and perform these drastic operations on them that literally transforms them into whole other people. Now, some of the transformations are amazing and these women come out looking like super models but the whole idea of this really trips me out. I mean, psychologically these women are in a bad place to begin with, riddled with self hate, and then they take their real selves and replace them with these fake superficial shells...permanently. For 3 mths they can't look @ themselves in a mirror, while they heal up a/f the operations, and then during the show they are unveiled. I'm telling you, these women lose it when they see themselves and I feel empathetic b/c their reaction makes me believe that they've been living in this personal hell for years. But, what price is to be paid to escape that place? And what place psychologically and emotionally will they be in now? I think the worst part of it was when one of the women's daughter was brought out to see her, a/f the unveiling. The daughter was probably 5yrs old and she looked exactly like her mother, b/f the surgery. I was fucking disgusted and I felt terrible for this little girl who was going to grow up thinking she wasn't good enough...or pretty enough rather. As if life doesn't throw you enough curve balls. Fucking bull-shit.