Tuesday, Apr. 20, 2004, 9:14 a.m.: self...
I'm becoming somewhat ticked off here. How do I manage to pick these selfish motherfuckers?! I love how people love to bitch and whine a/b their problems or even brag a/b their accomplishemnts, taking up MY time, but when I ask for one thing I get SHAFTED. How the fuck does that work?! What ever happened to equality in a friendship? I'm pretty pissed off right now. I need to really be by myself b/f I explode. I love how people talk so much fucking shit that they can never back up. I would rather someone say NOTHING then bull-shit me. Maybe I have higher standards when it comes to shit like this but I'm really bothered.
I can't seem to find the balance between independance and neediness. This may relate to my little rant above. I sway too far on either side on the pendulum, but can't sit and sway in the centre. When I don't depend on anyone, I make people back off b/c I'm way too aloof. I give the impression that I don't give a fuck a/b anyone but myself, I guess. I probably hurt some feelings too. Then when I start to feel need, or when I start to crave the comfort of someone [or I become emotionally attached] I get needy to the point of addiction. Then if someone is not there for me or absent, for some reason, I flip out. I guess that makes me not as stable as I think I should be. It may even make me more selfish than I originally thought I was. Hmm, gotta think a/b that one. I have this curse where I'm always trying to test my strength or my character. I know I'm doing it but I do it so subconsciously that I only pick up on it every once in a while. Or maybe this is how I deal with my surroundings or how I deal with understanding my surroundings. Always thinking, that's me. I do the same thing physically...test my strength. I draw this parrallel b/c I think that what I can endure physically equates what I can endure emotionally or mentally. I made that decision, or correllation, really early on in my life. All this shit does make for a really self absorbed ME, I do see that, but I figure I have to understand myself in order to really understand and relate to those a/r me. Fuck, see all this thinking a/b myself and I forgot to get the outgoing mail ready for our courrier. I just seem to constantly get stuck on 'this point' in my life and that tells me that something needs to change.