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Thursday, Mar. 25, 2004, 9:23 a.m.: fear of abandonment...

I had a phenomenal class last night!! I started class with this new teacher. He's more of a theatre based teacher and I figured that maybe he could help me with my emotional range. I find that with theatre work, the journey can bring you to a deeper place emotionally b/c it's a build up instead of an instant reaction. Our first class consisted of improv work. We were assigned partners and then we had to decide who we were and what the main conflict in the scene was going to be. He wanted us to make it a dramatic scene so that he could gauge where we were emotionally as actors. I was freaking out b/c I have in the past had problems allowing myself to be exposed emotionally like that. To go into those deep places has been something I have avoided since my break-up with my ex of 6yrs. I was constantly put in severely emotioanlly vulnerable positions and it was too much to handle. So my scene partner and I decided that we would be best friends and that he was in love with me. We decided that this day was the day he was going to profess his love for me. I, on the other hand, had just gotten together with our new roommate [and old friend] and was not willing to give my 'best friend' up and ruin our 'friendship' b/c he was/is my security. Fine. So I watched this one couple do their scene where the chick literally hysterically broke down, crying and shit in front of the class. Now for me, that's something that I find VERY difficult to pull off [for the reasons I stated above]and was very impressed by her bravery. Of course, I think she was completely indulgent in her crying fit b/c the scene turned into being all a/b her and hardly a/b her scene partner. We were called up next to present. I'm thinking, 'shit, what a scene to have to follow'. I went up there though and cleared my head, made sure I knew what I wanted and needed in the scene and just let it all flow instinctually. Well boyz and girlz, I accomplished something yesterday that I have wanted to do ever since I started this shit. We got into the scene and he's telling me he's in love with me, and I'm telling him that he can't be b/c that will throw everyting we've ever known [a/b 'us'] into chaos. Then my partner starts to get overly emotional on me and he starts to develop tears in his eyes. I'm feeling this along with him but I'm fighting it b/c I'm trying to stay true to my character who has to be strong and direct and somewhat in denial. Then the teacher stops us and instructs us to look into each others eyes and hold the feeling we're in. @ this point we're holding hands b/c he's trying to make me understand how much he cares for me. 2 mins of this and then my instructor directs him to make the decision that he has to leave me [physically get up and leave], if I can't reciprocate his love. @ that point, he tells me that he has to say goodbye and he gets up to leave, but I need him so much that I start to pull him and I'm being more agressive telling him that I need him to stay with me and not change things. He hugs me goodbye and @ that point, I did it...I fucking started to cry, asking him not to go. Then he pulled away from me and said bye and I flipped out, screaming, this total gutteral scream...telling him that he 'can't go', that he 'can't leave me'. And the whole time I'm crying!! If it had gone on any longer I would have been completely hysterical, but he stopped us and then closed the scene. When we sat down, this girl turned to us and goes 'great job' and I'm thinking...'fuck, we actually got a great job salute'. Then, even more amazing to me, was when the teacher was explaining what we were going through in those moments. For me, my fear of abandonment of change and loss of love...and for him, his un-requited love. And as he's saying this we're both sitting there crying. It was the srangest thing. I was welling up again and wipping my eyes and then I turned to him and saw a single tear drop down out of the corner of his eye. He turned to me and smiled and then we hugged each other. It was so fucked and the teacher said that our scene was extremely touching. What an experience that class was. I left there feeling so full of energy and I'm literally flying on that feeling still today. I couldn't sleep last night, which is not very good for me b/c I have my photo shoot today. But the feeling of release is worth the tiredness I may feel later tonight. I jumped a hurdle that I've been wanting to get over for so long now. I still feel very emoional though and I think this is going to linger for a while with me...and I'm okay with that.

<3 ~CAT~ xXx