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Friday, Feb. 06, 2004, 10:23 a.m.: tits up...

So I'm going to be seeing the new guy this weekend...finally. I'd say it was pretty good timing on his part. We've been talking since we first me, back say a/r Octoberish. It took me a while to actually committ to even sitting down and relly talking to him. I'd wait like 3 weeks to return his calls and then the one day we were suppose to get together we ended up cancelling. Anyways, he's still calling so that's a good thing and perfecty enough I will have no problem now with my selfish conscience...not that I really had anyone to answer to b/f but I had the idea that I did. Or rather to better understand this, I think I figured I had hand, by resitricting myself, b/c then I could keep the other one controlled that way. It was stupid though b/c it's not real, it's fear that controls them and then only to a certain extent. If someone wants to do something there is really no stopping them. In essence then control is only an illusion until someone submits fully and that is to be done through their own willing. Blah blah blah. This one has alot to teach me too, I'm sensing. Anyways,I'll tell you how it all goes.

I have this audition today for an actual paid theatre production. I'm thinking that this is really the one I want to score. I say that a/b all of these fucking things! It gets kind of annoying if I really stop to think and worry a/b how I haven't actually booked a production on stage yet. I try not to dwell on it though, not like other things in my life such as relationships [both men&women]. I must have a dire need for closeness to people since I place such high priority there, you know. Or I figure that if I spend too much time thinking a/b how I'm not booking certain things, I'll get on such a depressive low that I may get stuck in a rut. That too, could be the reason I obsess over some things as opposed to others.

Oh, I'm really pissed off that they are making such a BIG fucking deal over the whole Janet 'tit' thing. It's done, over with, and who cares if she showed a boob. How much other shit do we see everyday on our t.v.s, that's 100x worse, really?! Can they not focus on something else?! Shit!! Way to turn an exciting moment into a nusaince.

<3 ~CAT~ xXx