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Wednesday, Feb. 04, 2004, 8:31 a.m.: reality...

How fucked is this dream? I dreamt that I went to see my alcoholic uncle and I travelled to see him riding a fucking childs tricycle!!!!! I swear, I was peddaling down the road on it. When I recalled the dream this mroning I burst out laughing b.c it looks so ridiculous in my mind. News on him isn't sounding good...it looks like he's slipping deeper and deeper into alcohol/drug induced dementia permanantly. I think it's just a matter of time b.f he kills himself with all of this shit. It's sad and it upsets me and I stay compassionate but I have to stay detached. He thinks I'm the tough one in the family...that I'm the only one that stands up to his behavior/addiction, but I'm still affected. I'm still human though and I do bleed. I'm not really made of stone.

I slept all fucked up last night and now I have the biggest kink in my neck. Feels like I was thrashing my head a.r or something. I would kill for a massage right now. I've also been waking up earlier than usual. I decided that the feeling of being comfortable makes me lazy. Seriously, it's as if when my mind thinks it's 'settling down' time I turn into this complacent individual and then I'm NOT happy. When I think it's only me to worry a.b though I turn into this ambitious determined girl who just wants to keep moving forward. I think it's a sign that I need to be single for a while. Get my shit together on my own and just enjoy myself. I think that's been long over-due for me. There's so much that I still want to experience and explore. I decided that I'm going to start waking up earlier to do some meditation or my windsor pilates...use my time wisely. Then in the evenings I'll do my hard-core work-outs. Back to basics it is.

I had the audition yesterday for the V-monologues. Fuck, I got there and did my own piece and then they asked me to read this intense monologue for them. It was a.b rape and the state mentally this woman was in a.f the fact. I couldn't believe that's the one they gave me...I almost started crying when I first read it. Anyways, I find out Thursday if I got it or not so we'll see...cross the fingers.

<3 ~CAT~ xXx