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Thursday, Jan. 08, 2004, 11:19 a.m.: to do...

Emotioanl connection is probably the hardest thing for me to create. I swear it's like fighting a battle with myself to allow anybody to get close enough to me. I've actually come to the realization that it's much easier for me to detach myself and that's why I do it so often. It's my comfort zone, my defense mechanism and my safety net. It allows for a very lonely existence though b/c not much can touch me. I think that's why I tend to gravitate towards extreme emotions too...b/c I've been so deprived that when I explode I over-indulge in whatever feeling I emote. It's much more complicated, I know, but I'm just going to leave it alone @ that...for now.

My ex contacted me again and tried to lure me into this emotional connection with him. He's much more manipulative than I first though. People are fucking stupid as hell you know, he was never available for me when we were together and now he expects me to be as close to him as I WAS b/f. He must really under-estimate me. He's living in a rough situation now and I do not have the energy to 'donate' to him...he lost out on that long time ago. I can get banged against a wall quite a few times...more times actually than I expect...but once I'm healed that shit is thick as alligator skin. It has to soften though for those newbies that turn out to be worthy, not old news that took advantage to the point of no return and seem to believe in re-incarnation.

I have to go into the studio today to do some voice over work on a project I finished a couple months back. I've never done this shit so it should be a very interesting experience for me. I just hope it's as easy as I think it is.

<3 ~CAT~ xXx