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Friday, Dec. 12, 2003, 9:44 a.m.: a woman...

I had quite the fucked up dream last night. I was in LA, by myself...I guess I had flown there on a whilm or some shit b/c that's the feel I got in the dream. I knew a/b this hotel where a shit load of actors lived while they tried to find work, so I headed there with the help of some people I had met along the way. I bump into this girl, kinda trashy looking thing, who directs me, along with another chick into the hotel. @ this point it's looking like it's a 'members only' hotel/club. There are people everywhere, on every floor, and there's music blarring. The music makes me start dancing, and then all of a sudden I'm drunk or high or something. @ some point I end up making out with some girl and some guy. The rest was pretty much a blur, except for the fact that I think 'the boy' ends up showing his face. It was interesting. I always wonder where these dreams come from...I mean, what part of my psyche are they hiding in. This is not something I have been consciously thinking a/b, yet it pops up in this manner in my dreams. Funny.

I'm going to send Xmas cards out to the agents that still have my package with them. I can't decide if I should just send out to all of the ones on my list or not. Any suggestions?? I'll probably think it over for a bit and then end up sending to 25 people. Can't hurt, right? You know, if I think a/b it long enough it really depresses me that I will not have an agent by the time my b-day rolls a/r. Everyone I know, or that I meet on set has a fucking agent...but me? Why am I being held back here or am I not working hard enough? It can't be that I'm not working hard enough...I've put so much effort into the whole process, twice over. It's just such a piss off!

And if that's not enough to drive me mad, I also have the fact that I am NOT being satisfied sexually even 10% of what I would like. Never mind 10%...2% of what I would like!! I don't know what to do. I can only survive so long on myself...some intimate contact would be nice. Why do I always fall for the ones who are too god damn pre-occupied with their 'work' or their 'shit' to cater to me? I'm losing my patience. I think I want a woman.

<3 ~CAT~ xXx