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Monday, Dec. 08, 2003, 8:41 a.m.: extremes...

We went out for my Dad's birthday dinner last night. It kinda sucked b/c my Dad was not himself. There's alot of shit going on with his brother [my Uncle] and it's obviously weighing on him heavily. He hardly said a word to us and he hardly even acknowledged our server, which is so unlike him. I really feel bad for him and I wish that he wouldn't feel so guilty over the failure of his younger brother, but I guess it sort of goes with the territory. I remember him blaming me [years ago when my sister was out of control] for her behaviour, as if I had contributed to it and had not done enough to help her. That fucking hurt me so much when he said that shit to me, b/c all I ever did was try to help her and make sure she was safe while @ the same time giving her freedom to explore. I mean she is her own person too. Of course a/f a while I resented my parents and the fact that they put that responsibilty on me in the first place...like it was my job to be a mother to 2 kids when I was only 18. It's ironic though that now he feels guilty for the addiction my Uncle is suffering through when it's not his fault @ all, nor was it up to him to try to put him on the 'right' path, nor is it up to him now [30 years later] to put him back on that path. I don't think my Father has ever resented his parents though for placing that burden on his shoulders all these years. My Dad's done so much to try to help him, for literally 30 years. I wonder if he realizes the weight he put on my shoulders, when he said that shit to me, now that he feels this pain to such an extent. But this here isn't a selfish rant, it's meant to express what I feel a/b the situation b/c I cannot speak it to my Father. I love him so much but we never did communicate well and it's hindered our relationship for many years. I even feel strange telling him that I love him. It's not my place to wish an end to his pain right now, I mean it may be meant to teach him something, but I still do. I wish he could enjoy his family the way he always thought he would.

It's funny b/c @ the restaurant we bumped into and old friend of mine again, that I went to school with like 10 years ago. He disappeared in grade 10 and the rumour was that he found his father shot to death in his home and lost it. I went on believing this for years but @ the same I was skeptical b/c I know how rumours can be blown out of porportion. Well he verified the rumours to me by basically coming right out and telling me exactly what I had heard and sort of shocking the shit out of me. I kept thinking to myself, if my Father knew what this kid went through and saw that he was still carrying on with life and his day to day, maybe he wouldn't feel so bad for my Uncle. I don't know if that's terrible or not, b/c I know everybody has different pain thresholds but still...it gives you something to compare...something to think a/b. Strength of character is developed through adversity and pain and the over-coming of that pain. And yea, what a sick sort of existence it is but w/o pain you cannot experience pleasure...w/o the deepest sorrow you cannot experience the greatest joy. That's just the way it fucking goes. We travel through life trying to numb all that pain when really what we should be doing is embracing it. But fuck, don't take my word for it here..I am a glutton for the extremes.

<3 ~CAT~ xXx