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Wednesday, Dec. 03, 2003, 9:21 a.m.: obstacles...

I had an Armagheddon dream last night. I was staying in this hotel that was built in the water. It was strange though b/c everything a/r me was water and there was barely any land as far as I could see. Sort of like I was stuck on an island but the hotel was the 'island'. In the distance all a/r us all you could see where twisters and they were travelling forward, distroying anything in it's way. So all the people where freaking out b/c they were apparenlty so strong that they would rip right through us. Now imagine, we're in a hotel [a very luxurious one @ that] but we're in the water and there looks like there is nowhere to go. We try to escape and I think the only thing we manage to do is go down into one of the other rooms in the hotel, that looks like it belonged in a boot camp documentary, and hide out there until the disaster passes. I woke up @ that point though to take a piss and ruined the whole thing, so I don't know what happened next but it was quite amazing to see these twisters coming @ you, slowly one by one, in every direction. Crazy crazy shit! It's been a while since I've had a really exciting dream like that. A couple days ago I was taking notice of how I haven't had an obstacle dream since Hallowe'en. Perfect timing I guess, this was...perfect timing and probably something in my psyche that's bothering me.

I skipped out on a rehearsal last night. I was in my non-professional mode. I felt like shit @ first, you know, I was being really hard on myself for cancelling. Then I thought a/b it and just came to the conclusion that I am allowed to have these days. I also told myself though that I seriously have to buckle down and not let this get into a habit for myself. I know my weakness' and my tendency and ability to justify certain negatives a/b myself to myself...if that makes sense. Yesterday, for some reason, I was not in the mood to do a full out rehearsal with my co-star. I knew that the scene called for intimate moments and I didn't feel like allowing him to get close to me. It was just a personal feeling of disgust that I was trying to work through and I ended up needing to cancel. I have to learn though to seperate myself from my character, somehow, while still being present and allowing myself to be completely vulnerable. This isn't a paid gig so I'm also allowing myself the luxury to be a diva. If this was serious stuff, there is NO WAY I would get away with this... I just wouldn't let myself.

<3 ~CAT~ xXx