Wednesday, Oct. 22, 2003, 10:23 a.m.: fire...
Class was totally fine yesterday. I was worried, a/f the talk I had with my teacher, that he was trying to get inside my head and fuck with shit. I went in deciding that he was never going to figure out my dealio. I would prove him wrong in every little weakness he thought I had. Every strenth would be minimized and then would re-emerge as an even bigger accomplishment. You can't manipulate me if you don't know what's going on in my head. I want to keep it that way. I just have to do it my way and my way always...that is how I am. Only a select few get to experience the truly vulnerable, and those that do better take advantage and use it to MY positive benefit otherwise I'll turn it a/r on them. That is just how I am. Finally we went back to how I work best and that is to be completely instinctual. Thinking is not needed...it just muddles the truth and fucks up my progress. I'm much more lethal when I'm instinctual too. I sense weakness so much stronger and I'm much more aware of what is happening a/r me or with me. It turns into predator and prey...sometimes I'm prey and sometimes I'm predator. Much more fun too.
I'm on another mission! I need to book more productions. I have to keep up with 'the boy'. It's not that I do it b/c I'm petty...I do it b/c he's a guy and he naturally gets more stuff than any female I know. He's the best person to compete with b/c it raises my standards. My drive and ambition is constantly being tuned. It's good but I think he thinks I'm competeing with him as a 'person' and that's not it @ all. One day he'll realize and understand or maybe he wont...fuck, who knows?!
Love, CAT xXx