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Thursday, Oct. 09, 2003, 9:28 a.m.: demo...

So, they're done!! I've got all 20 of my demos ready for send out. I figure next week I'll take a day off and go drop into all of the offices. That means that for today and tomorrow I have to finish my packages...with cover letter, resume, and pic. The demo looks pretty fucking good and it shows a nice amount of range, so I think it's definately going to spark some interest. I NEED an agent by the end of this year...that was what I planned on and that is what I will get. I'm crossing my fingers.

I got the 'boy' to do them for me. Well, he offered and I jumped on it. I think he feels like he's doing too much for me though sometimes, b/c he gets all macho and arrogant a/b it when I know it's not a huge bother. I mean he does this shit for so many different people and 'I' get the attitude. As if I'm trying to use his sorry ass or some shit...which pisses me off b/c I genuinely care so much a/b him. I don't understand and, you know, frankly it hurts my head too much to try to...so I'm just going to let it be.

I received an e-mail from my ex last night. He told me how he was doing and how he still hasn't gotten over me. So much so, that he hasn't even been with anybody since me [if he's telling me the truth...I'll never know]. I believe the whole 'he hasn't gotten over me' deal, b/c [and in] his past...and it's just like him to detach himself emotionally from women. He did it with me, b/c of his ex, and I guess he's gone even further this time b/c of me. I feel for him, but he has issues that need to be dealt with b/c he didn't treat me very well while we were together yet he's so in love with me still?? I'm confused...the human condition never ceases to amaze me. He wants to meet up for coffee and catch up on shit. I'm considering it, but I don't want him back and I don't want him to think I do. I'm not in love with him...I happen to be kinda stuck on my own little obsession [ie. I'm into someone else]. I do think we both need some sort of closure though. I would also like to test my current feelings for 'the boy' and I think this is the best way to do it.

I've decided to make a conscious effort to be more considerate towards my Grandmother. I tend to get very impatient with her and it's not fair of me. It's actually pretty fucking cruel!! I have to break the habit though b/c it's so easy to just loose my cool and be a bitch to her. And, she may even deserve it b/c she doesn't listen and she's NEVER EVER fucking happy! It's not my place to judge though and I have to just do my best to be good to her. Fuck, she's so old and she can't just change her ways now, so it's up to me to be the 'bigger person'. I think I feel that she's just in my way and she may be, but fuck I've gotta work with it.

Love, CAT xXx