Wednesday, Jun. 25, 2003, 8:51 a.m.: make me...

I find it very funny, or rather, it amuses me to watch people try to deny their own insecurities to themselves. I'm quite positive that I, @ times, do the same...but I think I've gotten to this point where I can readily admit my 'issues'. Why? B/c I want to over come them, I want to progress myself in every which way possible. Kinda makes me believe that some of us have older souls [or younger souls] than others. Or maybe it's just that some have developed more spiritually. I can't fully put my finger on it, but I think it's something to that effect. So I guess then, in essence, it may not really be denying...they just don't get it. Or they just can't comprehend it for one reason or another...which still may be their denial over the matter. Anyways, I feel like I'm going in cricles here.

I had my infamous acting class last night. I went in with the complete conviction that I was going to be a bitch. That I was going to attack and cut down my scene partner...forget the fact that she was my girlfriend and just do my scene. I did it too...and he noticed how determined I was in getting what I wanted, but he hit the nail on the head with me too in another respect. He picked out my insecurity or 'issue', which totally hinders my performace. See I know how to give the blows, but I have a hard time receiving them. In otherwords taking in compliments, insults, etc...I somehwere in my youth developed this survival mechanism that allows me to block off anything that's coming my way so that I don't have to feel it. But, what this ends up doing to me, acting wise, is that it doesn't allow me to openly be effected by what someone is saying to me...I can't react to them. I knew that I did this, b/f he pointed it out to me, I just never put it together that it would effect my performance in a scene. So now, I have some more work to do. I love work!!

Today I get to go and pick out a new futon for myself. My mother's got this guy who sells furniture and he can score me a nice futon for a wicked price. I think she said she saw one with a wood frame and animal prints. If I heard her right, then that's the one I'm getting. I so love any kind of shopping. It's a sickness I tell you.

Love, CAT xXx