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Tuesday, May. 06, 2003, 8:48 a.m.: psychologically me...

Yummy, yummy, yummy!! I went to bed last night thinking a/b M.R. Imagining all the dirty things we would do together. I tried to bounce him into my unconscious, but it didn't work. Instead I ended up dreaming a/b Hugh Hefner and two playboy bunnies. Like wtf!?! Don't get me wrong though, we all had alot of fun. Well Hugh just directed what he wanted us to do and shit, and the three of us went to town. I think he was too much in my conscious mind that I didn't need to purge him through my unconscious mind. Dreams are fucked like that...they only materialize what is deep in the back of your mind when you close your eyes.

Last night turned out to be a fairly relaxed night. I went to my usual work-out classes and oddly enough they didn't make me tired or give me that huge bolt of energy that I'm use to. It was as if I had just had really good sex, a/f a long wait, and I was feeling completely content. Then I got my weekly does of QAF. Did I mention yesterday that the 'beautiful bartender' reminded me of Brian from QAF. I don't think I did! He was just a shorter version of him, sans the asshole qualities. I need a little bit of the asshole quality though...keeps me inline, otherwise my nature tends to want to crush my men. Keeps it all balanced, you know.

I'm going to send out invites to all the agents I would want to sign with this week. My show goes up @ the end of May, so it's time that I let them know that I'm still working my way through all this shit. This is the worst time [from what I hear] that the industry has suffered. Business is so slow and with all the recent shit, that's been piling up on one another, it just keeps getting slower. My chances of getting a good agent right now is not the greatest...not impossible, but not the best...@ all. I'm not worried a/b it though b/c I feel that everything will fall into place properly. I believe it will. While I'm waiting though, I should show that I'm still trying to grow and that I'm willing to market myself to get where I need to be. This business stuff is all the boring shit, as far as I'm concered I could do w/o it but it is a necessary ingredient I guess. Although, it's really all a/b perspective. I could make it look like something else, all the while it still being a business venture. I mean, ultimately in essence that is what I am...the 'product'. A hot, dominant wise man told me that, and tells me that everytime I waiver. For example, the joy [note my sarcasm here] of networking and making contacts can really just be a/b meeting new people and learning a/b what someone else does and how they fit into the big picture. Psychological Magyvers...that's what an acting teacher said actors had to be. I think the term would actually benefit the general population too though.

Love, CAT xXx