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Thursday, Mar. 20, 2003, 9:59 a.m.: frustrate me...

I got shafted yesterday on this site. I couldn't write an entry all day. The amount of times I came back here to check if it was working again was just ridiculous. I tend to be a tad complulsive sometimes...sometimes is quite the understatement actually. It seems that alot of people I know are deathly ill right now. There's like 3 different strains of shit floating a/r in the air. Must have something to do with he state of the universe. @ this very minute Iraq is having bombs dropped on them! It has seemed, in the last week, that mass amounts of chaos is a/r us. More so than any other time I think. As I was driving to work this morning, I noticed how gloomy it is was outside. Sort of foreshadows what's happening. It's depressing, to say the least.

I dug up some old pics on my Dad's computer yesterady night that I'm gonna have to send off to someone special. I have some from 3 years back when I was addicted to ecsatcy. Specifically I have shots of me In NYC when I had no drugs on me and I was going through withdrawls, that I never understood were withdrawls @ the time. I just thought I was going crazy, that my body was giving up on me, and my world was ending. Everyday I would wake up in hysterics and everynight I would close my eyes hoping I didn't wake up the next morning. But, of course tossing and turning from pain and cold sweats made me quite aware that it was not time to go...yet. Walking down the streets there though was the most exciting part of NYC. I fucking loved it!!!! Even if I had to go and throw up, @ least once a day, those streets and the people all a/r me was invigorating. Shit, I haven't used that word in such a long time.

I haven't had many auditions this week, which kinda pisses me off. I wont let it bother me though...okay that's such a lie. I'm obviously pissed!!! Whats up with this! What I really want is a damn agent, but that is going to take some time. I've decided to ride it out and aim for a top agency. It'll take maybe 6 months or so, but in the end it'll be better for me. I don't want to settle for some shitty low end agency that wont give a fuck a/b me, and then risk ruining my reputation, in my first years of the business, b/c my agents sucks ass!!! I've been really pushing myself @ the gym to relieve some of my extra energy lately. When I'm on a mission my adenalin jumps so high and I need to exert myself in so many ways. I love times like this!!!! Even if they sre extremely frustrating.

Love, CAT xXx