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Tuesday, Mar. 11, 2003, 8:52 a.m.: warm me...

I got two more packages sent back to me. You know, it's nice when I get a letter inside with the agents letter-head, so I know who is rejecting me! I HATE when I just get my pic and resume back w/o even my cover letter!! I mean, have some consideration for the god damn actor you fucking assholes!!!! There is a process here. Anyways, I'm going to get back to all the rest of them this week to see what is being said. Today, I'm here all by my lonesome...and it'll be like this for 3 days. It's very lonely and I don't like it very much @ all, already. I've only been here for a half hour so far.

I came to the conclusion yesterday that anger is a very safe place for me to be. I was explaining to my sister a/b how I sometimes block out really important information when people talk to me...usually when it involves true caring. She goes 'Isn't it funny how we chose what we want to hear'...and it clicked in my head. Why does my sub-conscious choose to over-look love? Cause I've been addicted to the anger and hurt for so long. Anyways, it was strange to realize, but I have to give myself credit for actually consciously remembering and then recognizing...even if I had blacked it out for a while. Progress...yea, I think so.

I had been getting really depressed over this dance thing I'm doing for a film. As soon as I finally had all the girls together and learning it, one goes and fucks up her back so bad that she can't dance and the other decides to take off to L.A. FUCK!! So feeling like shit, cause it's taken so long to just get this far and now I'm getting fucked in the ass hard, I e-mailed the director and basically explained my situation. I was also getting worried b/c he wasn't pushing the whole thing, so I was doubting how serious he really was a/b finishing this. Anyways he still wants to look @ it and hopefully he'll still want to do it and not just want to try and bang me...like the other fuck face! Only time will tell. HA!

I seriously think it's time for the weather to warm up now. I mean, it's fucking March for fuck sakes!! I want some damn warmth, some sun, some heat...maybe an ocean along with it. I can hear the birds chirping on some mornings and it's awesome, and then on days like this you can hardly breathe w/o your nostrils freezing. Summer's gotta hurry up!

Love, CAT xXx