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Wednesday, Jan. 22, 2003, 9:10 a.m.: is it Monday still?

It still feels like Monday morning. Time has just stopped in my mind. It's like this recurring beginning of the week. I guess b/c I missed Monday, that's why I feel stuck on it...who fucking knows! I'm also feeling completely back to myself again. Actually, I don't quite feel like I am myself anymore. I mean, 'myself' as I knew myself to be b/f I got sick. It's a surreal sort of existence I'm experiencing. Almost as if the sick feeling is weighing on my head, still making me a bit fuzzy. Yet when I speak or write or do, I'm so fluid and organized and clear. I'm not sure what to make of it yet. Somebody already told me that I sound very normal...not so scattered. Sure...I do feel different though.

I'm beginning to worry a/b this dance sequence thing. Well, not exactly worry b/c I think my threshold for stress was just extended a/f this crash and burn of body and mind incident. Seriously, I'm still terribly dramatic b/c that's who I am, but I don't feel things half as deeply as I use to. Which I guess sort of is strange b/c it minimizes when I really am hurting. Maybe it's time to not let the little things effect me anymore. Maybe it's time to save all the strength for the bigger more important things. I'm not sure if I'm liking the sound of that. So, this dance thing is starting to look more and more like a pick up/fuck session, than a professional working relationship. Not that I would mind that, but I'm not into this guy like that. I know I asked for a director to hook me up and shit, but I meant a big director, you know?! A big director I'd fuck! haha I'm not sure how I'm going to manoeuver this, but I know I'm gonna do it. Shit!

I missed a damn audition yesterady b/c I got the e-mail too late. I tried to re-schedule, but it all depends on time available. It wouldn't have bothered me so much if it wasn't for the fact that my auditions are really limited right now. I re-booked my pics for this Friday, so my schedule hasn't been pushed that far. Road blocks are a pain in the ass!!

You know some commercials are so god damn annoying, and then some of them are just so fucking funny!!