Thursday, Dec. 19, 2002, 9:13 a.m.: a parallel life...

It's above zero today. 10 degrees above zero. It's nice and it's raining. It actually feels beautiful out b/c of the warm temperature. The snow is melting now too...that's just an added bonus. Our weather has been as erratic and as crazy as I am. I'm not keen @ all a/b cold weatehr. I've known for a while now that I will eventually end up in a place that's dry and warm...I have to.

I went to the gym yesterday and they have moved our spin bikes down to the lower level. So now, we do our spinning with our asses in the faces of those people on the stair climbers behind us. It was sort of distracting @ first and then I forgot all a/b who was a/r me. I pushed myself to my limit, which is still fairly high. I've got this endless energy and especially when I have a physical outlet to gear it towards I can just take off. I felt exhausted a/f, but once I ate I was back to my hyper self again. The levels of endorphins in my head must have just sky rocketed b/c I felt that complete high that I've been missing for a while now. Since I've been auditioning it's been tough to get out to the gym. It just hasn't been fitting into my schedule... Nothing beats the gym, but then again nothing beats dancing either. One serves one purpose and one serves another. I guess everything serves it's purpose for me. Everything I love fit's into my big puzzle of being, you know.

So my birthday is this Saturday and my best friend has taken it upon herself to set the whole evening up for me. I was completely surprised and I'm loving it. It's been ages since anyone's set up a birthday thing for me. I can't wait! I've got no stress a/b the matter and all I gotta do is have a wicked time. I'm not too excited a/b turning 25 of course. It's been something I've been quietly preparing for, for a while now. A quarter of a century is not exactly appealing to me right now, and while I wish I wasn't getting older I would never want to go back. Maybe in my next life I'll be able to accept it a little better. This year, however, I'm gonna drink myself into ageless oblivion. It still hurts you know.

'nsnb' got an agent yesterady. While I'm very happy and proud of him, I'm kinda sad. I get this feeling that I should pull away from him so that he can concentrate on his career. Maybe I'm starting to silently hurt and so I feel this is my only salvation. It's a good hurt though. That one where you think 'fuck, it's just like life to throw me my perfect match and then set us up to be walking parralel lives, together but not.' Cause that's how it goes I find. You find that one person you could love so purely and that could love you back in the same way...your match...your yin for yang or vica versa. The story goes that destiny brought us together but might just keep us apart. I hope that's not the truth, but I fear it may be. Irony is not something I will ever escape...I am constantly aware. While I would never want to live any other way...the pain of it is still undeniable. I'm not crying though...I wont.

Love, CAT XXX