Friday, Nov. 15, 2002, 8:52 a.m.: hurt...
I've decided to keep my tongue ring in @ night sometimes. It was starting to get tough to push it through the hole. I was beginning to feel like my tongue was cramping up and fuck, I don't want to be piercing through nerves and shit! Of course, I woke up thinking I was choking on it yesterday. I mean, it's just a no win fucking situation. I seem to get stuck with those alot. Hell, I'm use to it. The suffering, the fighting against what I want and what will be. Didn't I tell myself I was going to stop this shit? I'm not a very good listener.
I went by to see my aunt yesterday and she informed me that I was being completely fucked up re: my feelings. Once again, I got the 24 going on 18 speach. On my bad days it's so obvious how my ex and my relationship with him has totally fucked up my emotional state. I mean, even more so than what my parents did. I have to learn to level with myself. I have to be honest a/b what it is I want and need, instead of pretending I'm this tough shelled bitch who can withstand anything. Cause that's the appearance I give on the outside, but on the inside I pain for...love? Well fuck, of course I do! I'm independant, yes, and I love that a/b myself. @ the same time I feel as if I'm walking a/r alone all the time. Like I am the only one here in this world doomed to be alone. It's completely melo-dramatic, I know. I've been told so much how fucked I am and how psychotic my brain is, and while I take pride in that I think I started to believe that nobody would be able to deal with me. Somewhere along the line I gave up on the idea that there was or is someone out there who actually speaks my language...fully. I want to find someone like that and I think I have. I think? I'm just so fucking scared that I cut myself off now. And I know that by not being open to experiences and situations I let that ex asshole still control me...and it's hard deciding what to do. Of course, sexually I can be open..of course. I need to be open, I can't cut myself off and shut myself ot. Especially considering I am a fucking actress. I CANNOT do that to myself. I need some serious help right now. I'm going to go write something.
A/f the talk I had with my aunt I went to my vocal lesson. My teacher was amazed @ how much power I had in my voice. It made me feel so much better. It was a complete high hearing it and feeling that energy releasing from my body. For that hour, the feeling of depression, the fear of lonliness evaporated. It lasted until that hour was over and I had to go home. I wanted to stay there forever. Why can't I? You know, if I'm really honest with myself...I'm so broken inside. So torn to pieces and it makes me feel weak and I fucking hate that. I hate it more than anything I think. My stomach hurts now.
Love, CAT XXX