Tuesday, Nov. 05, 2002, 8:49 a.m.: balance...
I actually got a full night @ the gym in yesterday. During our spin class, the instructor came over to me to check if I was okay. She said it looked like I was having trouble...I wasn't. I'm usually pretty good in listening to my body. If I feel like I can't push I slow down. I don't want to be falling off my bike or falling over onto the ground in the middle of a class. I mean, that's not the only reason, I do listen to my body for the sake of my general health. I am very aware. She was sick, though, so I think she was kinda delirious. I was thankful that she didn't try to kill us cause it was one of my first days back. Now, tonight I know this bitch is going to try to make me suffer. I HAVE to kick ass!
I went by my parents place a/f to finish up my laundry. We (excluding my father) all were sitting a/r the table just talking and telling stories. It was kinda nice...weird, but nice. I guess I'm not use to that kind of interaction with my mother...that's what made it so strange. Sometimes she seems so nice and then sometimes I just want to hit her...but not in that 'hit' way where someone is being so kind to you that you want to hit them. It's the 'hit' where you hate them for perpetually living in a state of immature delusion. I know that some people never grow up, but I guess I just expect more from my mother, you know. I mean I had to shut her up yesterday when I made a comment and she took it as a personal attack on her. It's cool now, in a way, though b/c I can read her actions, or the beginning of her actions and then move into action to shut her up...or stop the defensive behaviour. Our family was not use to working in a straight forward manner, so I think my being away and then coming back (every so often) allows it to be integrated. I know that sounds all technical and shit and, well, it is. But I did it...I shut her up and stopped her dead in her tracks. It was a/f that that we all managed to have a half decent conversation. I should really give her more credit sometimes...she is only human and she is my mother. Then, I'm the one who steps back and looks @ the whole picture and gets that slight tinge of compassion, you know. It still hurts me though.
My audition yesterday morning went really well. I looked @ the script and I knew exactly what was going on. For some reason I got it completely and I knew it. I kicked ass...the director loved it and I could tell by his reaction to how I played the character. He said nothing, but the sound that came out of him a/f I read the scene and the look on his face gave it away. I was totally in my element, very calm too. My mind had been cleared b/f I went in there and I knew it. I also got that shock feeling yesterday re: 'not so new boy'. I felt that pain stab in my chest and burn of hurt. In that moment (or just a/f) I told myself I had to stop. I had to keep control of these feelings that I'm scared will engulf me like they have done b/f. And while I feel it is so right to let them go with him, I am feeling very defensive and possessive of my heart right now. I know it's no way to live and I really care a/b this guy..he is me in a man, with some slight differences that fit in as my opposites right now. But, that freaks the fucking shit out of me. Cause I will not give my heart to anyone who doesn't want it and while things seem so clear...@ times I am so scattered and confused. In time things will unravel into what they should be. For the time being I must be in control of myself with these feelings. See I can't totally be though, b/c then I'm selling out and I WILL NOT do that. I will find a happy medium.