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2002-07-29, 9:09 a.m.: to love and ...

I'm all emotioanl right now. I sent a poem to my ex on Friday. I had to, he was just in my head so much that I knew I had to send it to him. It was a poem I had written a long time ago in a note book of mine and I found it while I was cleaning out my old bedroom. It was just so perfect, it fit my feeling so perfectly that I had to send it to him. This morning he sent me lyrics to a song explaining his feelings. I still love him so much and it really hurts me to read it, but it hurts more when we're together and his will refuses me, for some reason. I know he loves me deeply but our time is just not right. I have this feeling, sometimes, that we will meet again in the future and re-build what we could have had, or what we had...the right way. I'll always love him the most. I have to stop thinking a/b it, cause I just keep crying and crying.

I have this craving urge to have animal sex. I'll hurt them and they can hurt me. If I can't hold out for this new guy I'm going to have to find someone else. I just feel like I need to refill this empty hole inside me. I don't want to fill it with love cause I don't think it's worth it. I just want to fill it with sex. I think that will make me feel whole, for the time being. Some people are scared of the dark places inside them...I choose to embrace them.

I'm not crying anymore.

The tears have dried.

I cried and cried.

Until my heart lost it's place.

And now I reside in this space

Waiting for the feeling to return

To touch me deep inside

To burn my hearts divide

I will again feel it

Because I need it


What's *Your* Sex Sign? Love, CAT XXX