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2002-07-03, 10:21 a.m.: goodbyes...

I just got off an emotional roller-coaster. My w/e was fun and exhausting, both physically and mentally. I spent Saturday downtown body painting for the Gay Pride Festival. It was fucking hot as hell but I had fun. Suprisingly enough, I didn't get picked up @ all. I was in a pretty shitty mood though, so I'm sure my vibe was pretty scary to any potentials. I took notice of how many beautiful gay men there were walking a/r. Kissing, hugging, loving. They rule over the straight guys I know anyday...let me tell you. I didn't feel like being a/r my apartment b/c all his (ex) shit packed up @ the door and I didn't want to deal with it. Saturday night I stayed with my friend, @ her place, and then we got up Sunday to head downtown again for the Parade. Long hot w/e, but as usual the Parade was worth it. My favorite float was the fetish float...it was so beautiful. If I could load up pics I'd put one right HERE. When I got home Sunday night all his shit was still packed up @ the door and he was nowhere to be found. Monday was the big day, he came in and called his friends and they all came over and moved everything out. I was fucking hysterical, as usual...I expected to be. I was crying my eyes out, but I wanted to watch them take everything out of the place. I wanted to watch it going...watch him leaving. He hardly even said goodbye to me as I stood there, tears streaming down my face. He had no emotion he could show me, nothing he could say to me. I realized then that for him to really love me I HAD to be gone. He dwells in the sweet sorrow of goodbye, while I like to live in the passionate moments. I watched him leave from the window and couldn't stop crying until he was gone. Strange how things turn out. Things are funny, people are funny and life is funny as hell.

My apartment is empty now. Everything is pretty much gone except for two coffee tables, chairs, and my kitchen table, and my bedroom is still intact. I like it. I echo in the main room...it's kinda creepy, but it's mine. I can now do with it as I please. I have all these ideas of how I want to change it now. I want it to feel as different as possible. I don't like walking in there and smelling the same familiar smell that I associate with my ex. I want a new smell. I have a new look...that's for sure...now I want a new smell too. It's not too bad cause he was hardly a/r and he hardly even slept in the bedroom with me, so that's a plus...even though it may look like a minus.

I'm going to see the new boy on Thursday. He's going away for six weeks in the summer so this will be the last day I see him b/f he leaves. I've got to make a deep impression so that I can paint his dreams while he's away. He's going to be working really hard, so I think he'll need some fantasy time. I'm not expecting anything to happen really serious with this guy. He's very focused on his future which is something that I will be very focused on as well. I think though that we can develop a very meaningful relationship where we can both benefit each other in different ways. I've decided to leave love up to the stars from now on. You can't will anybody to love you, but you can will your dreams to come true. It's a much more sure bet when I focus on tangible things, as for love and relationships...I want deep and meaningful ones, but I'm not going to put such a high price on them...like I have b/f. I want to learn alot through people and develop close ties, no matter what. That's what life is all a/b...isn't it.

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