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2002-06-06, 10:10 a.m.: and the saga goes on...

Boys boys boys...there's just too many of them. Now there's TWO HOT guys @ in my theatre group I want to eat. The new one is going to New York to study acting in a program and I may go down with him to audition. I always wanted to go to this school, but it being so expensive I decided against it. Yesterday I got an audition form in the mail listing New York dates for the audition. When I saw this guy @ rehearsal yesterday he told me he was going to take a 6-week program this summer there. So I'm hoping we can work out a trip down there and have it come through. I don't know, but I think that's a sign.

Rehearsal went well. I really like most of the people in the group. The boys are much more fun than the girls are. Only one of the girls is flirting material there, and she's really young so, you know. I'm going to go earlier tonight b/c they need help with the set and I haven't really put in my fair share yet. I don't want to look and feel useless. I want to help. I think I come across arrogant sometimes, b/c I don't really think on first thought to help out. I usually have to be told, so I'm going to make an effort to help out.

Apparently my sister saw my 'ex' friend a couple days ago, and she looked and sounded much better. I'm happy for her new found calmness, but why is it that to be consolled and shit you always have to look like the under dog. I mean she's the one in the position of visual 'rejection' and my sister is much more akin to her feelings as oppossed to mine. I don't get that. I think it's only for her benefit that she's being this way towards her...b/c it's just not right. I'm not sure there are many people who really understand ME.

So now personally on the relationship front I don't know how to approach my situation. I think I want to be alone. I don't think he's capable of giving me what I need. I don't think I can be truthful or faithful to him...and I don't know what to do. I'm not happy. I feel very contradictory b/c I feel as if I'm going in the right direction and yet I am so confused. My best friend told me yesterday that she thought the reason I'm so stuck right now is b/c he's the only secure thing in my life right now. I'm not sure if I agree with her, but @ the same time I can't figure out what it is. I think I'm stalling for time.