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2002-05-06, 9:23 a.m.: why I am how I am...

I want to see 'Spider Man'!! The movie brought in 114 million dollars this weekend here @ the box office...which is why I didn't go out and see it this w/e. Although considering my w/e, I would have had a much better time being swarmed by a zillion people. O.K. wait a minute here. I think I really need to chill out a bit. I get so fucking rigid sometimes with things and with getting things my way, it can get really bad. I don't know how to shake it and sometimes I do, but most of the time I need to control shit otherwise I feel so lost and out of place. This morning I really felt it...like I was an extension of this world and not really part of it. It sucks shit.

In good news though today I got a call from the director and I didn't get the part I wanted. She did give me, however, an under-study part where I will be performing for sure in one performance and possibly in all. The girl who has the part right now has some major conflicting scheduling so I may get to do the whole show. She also gave me the part of 'Black's' side-kick in the other play. I told her I was really hoping for black, and she said that I was seriously being considered for it, but that this guy read for it and she saw 'exactly' what she was looking for in him. She said when I meet him I'll see what she's talking a/b. The fact that she doesn't really know me too well also came into it, b/c she's not sure what she can and can't pull out of me. I think she was looking for a distinct quirky/evilness in the character. I guess it's all in how you interpret it...b/c I didn't see 'black' as really evil @ all...but you know. So that will keep me feeling productive and occupied for 7 weeks, until the performances...then I've gotta find something else to work on.

I was suppose to go see an old friend from high school this w/e. He and his band were performing @ this club and they were up against 14 other bands from the city. I missed it, unfortunately...but, I talked to him and they won first place! I was so happy for him and they were all excited and celebrating. I stayed in and watched the game that night with my boy...and he pissed the fuck out of me. I don't get upset for no reason @ all and b/c of that I can justify being upset for a very long time. I think it balances itself out really. I'm not going to go into it, b/c I'm over being pissed. You have to rationalize it out to me and it HAS to be reasonable and I HAVE to understand where you're coming from for me to get 'over it'. Some may say it's fucked and ridiculous b/c what is rational to me? Sometimes not much I'll tell you, but I am reasonable when you lay it all down. I guess that's a gift that my boy possess' that is perfect for me...it's just getting it out of him that's the hard part. I think for the time that he keeps it in, it's almost like a punishment to me b/c it really does drive me crazy...and then when he opens up it all comes back together in my head. I just figure if you're on my wave length then you'll get it and I'll get it, if not, then there you go...

I get to work on my workshop this week, b/c I'll be in peace and quiet. I really NEED to work on it. I've got to find my own quiet space and time, even when people are over...otherwise I'm in serious trouble. O.K...slightly over-dramatic but it's a serious matter that needs tending too. See, that's the rigid I'm talking a/b. Maybe I can find someplace outside to do it...especially in the summer it would be so beautiful and refreshing to be outside thinking. I think taht's what I'll do...