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2002-05-01, 9:48 a.m.: fucked...

Today the sun has finally come out. It's warm...well, semi-warm, and I can feel summer in the air again. I have terrible cramps in my lower abdomen. I'm on the pill and I have killer cramps, if I wasn't on the pill I would probably be lying on the floor, stabbing myself in the tummy right now. I love these little pills, but I know when I go off them I'll be totally fucked either way...whether I want to have kids and can't, or whether I don't want to be taking them for the rest of my life and I have to deal with the image of death once a month. Fuck, catch 22 as always.

I'm feeling like a weight has been lifted of me today. A friend of mine called me yesterday, a/f avoiding me for a week b/c of a certain incident that went on between us. I've been bitching a/b this girl for a while now...b/c it's shit that just happens over and over again. I'm @ a point where I want to reduce the stress in my life. I want friends who are willing to be good friends and who CAN be good friends. @ this time I don't think she is capable of being a good friend, cause I personally don't think she knows who she is. I'm relieved but sad, cause it's weird when things end...my hope is that she will look @ her actions and really see herself...then she can improve herself.

In the meantime, I need to focus on myself and where I want to go...