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2002-03-06, 9:49 a.m.: yeah, it's been a while, but I'm back...

Alot has been happening with me over the last four or five days. I got into a huge fight @ my place over the weekend. I see things very different from how my family does and it causes constant conflict. Not so much b/c I'm trying to shove my ideas down their throats, but b/c I guess I want respect for my own decisions. It's a battle I've fought all my life...and finally have come to the conclusion that it's not a battle worth fighting for. In other words I have to be happy in myself and in my own ideas and decisions and I can't look for validation from them. It's time I grow up...a bit...not totally, b/c that would just ruin it all.

I'm staying with some friends right now. They moved into a new place and I am taking up their living room space. My father warned me that it would be hard to live with 4 females. 3 are lesbians, so I told him that it's kinda like living with guys and I would survive. I plan on staying with them until I can get enough cash together to pay for first or last months rent...or until they get sick of me and kick my ass out. I may be a chick and I may have alot of shit with me, but I'm not one of those broads who takes over a whole living space just to suit me and my hoards of products/clothes...I'm just that perfect balance of masculinity and feminity all rolled up into this tight little package I call myself. Well, I packed my car with all my clothes so I've got a/b 4 bags in there, and I really have to put them somewhere inside soon cause if that shit gets stolen I'm fucked right up the ass.

So my family is cool with the fact that we cannot see eye to eye (usually...well, most of the time) and they think that it's time for me to leave if I feel I must. I think we'll all be alot happier and we will probably get along better in the end. I'll have my own space to do what I want to do...to practise as much as I need to...etc....etc...I didn't want to leave on bad terms so I had a long talk with them explaining my points of view...and for the first time they actually listened to me. Of course, I wasn't freaking out and looking like a psycho screaming this time. I am a VERY passionate person and I guess I can look a little crazy sometimes. I was calm and collected and trying hard not to let my emotions get in my way.

One thing I am still upset a/b though is my sister. I have always been there for that girl, through everything. I'm very dissapointed that she lacks the loyalty that I do. I mean siblings should be tight...they should be inseperable, but I must let her go b/c by what she has showed me over and over and over again...she is not worthy of my loyalty or of my help. But, since I was never there for her EVER(as she seems to preach) this wont bother her @ all. Sometimes it's family that can hurt you the most, as has been proved to me. It's sad, but she's pathetic and I will not buy into her shit.

I've been writing alot lately. It's a great way to release the pressure that's built inside . Sometimes words get trapped, and if I just let them flow from me in the most natural way I can learn so much a/b how I'm really feeling. I like to pretend I'm the strong tough one but really I'm much more sensitive than that...and that can be a good thing and a bad thing.

So that's it for now...

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