Wednesday, Jul. 21, 2004, 9:07 a.m.: transpire...

There are SO many things I need to adjust in my life still. Just when you think you have it all figured out and you're moving forward, something smashes you right in the face and, you realize that you were AGAIN forcing yourself [which is the most fucked up part] into the confines that you were trying to break from. My tendency is to become very attached to specific men in my life. When this happens I hold on like my life depends on it...and then when things don't work out the way I think I want, I freak and have to re-adjust al over again. This time, I [or someone] managed to keep myself somewhat out of the fire, and thank fuck for that. It's like I can't decide what's better. I mean, I think we should throw ourselves into whatever we do as if our lives really depend on it, but then sometimes I feel like it's better [safer] to stay somewhat detached. I still haven't decided which is better, specifically for me emotionally, but I do know that I have recently [with the certain someone]varied between the two so much that I've confused myself now. As an artist I believe that it's better to throw yourself straight into the fire...with sheer intensity. As a biz person [which I am not, by nature] it's better to stay detached and level headed. What a struggle to balance the two?! My goal would be to learn how to do it.

I went to a seminar last night where the speaker was one of the top agents in the city. Needless to say, it was a success for me as far as I can see. I sat right beside her so that everytime she spoke she had to look @ me. By the time the session was under-way I became her comfort zone. I made sure that she not only saw my face, but heard me speak too...so I asked all the questions I needed to. @ the end I personally thanked her and she told me to send my stuff into her, and to mention the session, and she would pass my pic to the agent that handles young clients in her office. For the $50 I had to pay to go, I would say it was worth it. She's got ties in the US too, which is what I need. This is not a good time to be planning a trip to NY, with all this agent stuff happening. Well, we'll see what transpires next...