Monday, Oct. 20, 2003, 10:45 a.m.: do me...

Fuck me!! Seriously.

So I did the closure thing with my ex yesterday. It went really well and we had a great time catching up. It was even more amazing that I did not feel anything [emotional nor sexual] towards him. I mean, I wasn't wet [@ all] which is totally fucked 'cause he use to be able to do it to me all the time. The only thing is that I'm horny as fucking hell right now and there's not a thing I can do a/b it, @ the mo. Not a thing I can do a/b it with the help of someone else, of course. I'm kinda concerned too b/c I think the 'boy' has a much lower sex drive than I do, which could possible pose a problemo. I'm not sure yet a/b it...there may be other factors involved, so I'm going to wait it out. It's going to hurt though. Really, I want to fuck the shit out of him all the time...day and night. I'm trying to gauge his horniness too and he's definately NOT the agressor. I seem to care too much a/b his 'needs' and that's why I hold back alot with him. I don't want to be the distraction that makes him go 'Fuck I can't do this anymore [literally]'. I proceed with caution with him. Truthfully, I want him to come to me all on his own. Fuck, what I would do for this guy!! Pain seems to be quite the constant in my life...good and bad.

I'm leaving in a bit to go and shoot. I'm dreading it though b/c the DOP and the director give me a fucking head-ache. I hope it's not too long b/c I just want to get this over with today. I've got to come up with Hallowe'en costume tonight. I'm going to my girlfriend's place tonight to brainstorm. I want to come up with something really good and yummy. Something in the true spirit of the occasion. I'll let you know what it ends up being.

Love, CAT xXx