Friday, Oct. 10, 2003, 9:50 a.m.: away...

Fuck! I just found out my cousin was/is in the hospital for tumors that were found in her uterus. @ first I heard that they were cysts, but when I called her she said they were fucking tumors. How scary is that shit?! I think everyone will have some form of cancer in their life...it's just a matter of what. That freaks the fuck out of me, you know. I'm glad she's okay though...it looks like the operation was successful. I really have to visit her soon. I think we're like 2 years over due for a get-together @ this point. Sad, considering she's my cousin.

I went to this audition last night where I had a really low emotional part. When I say 'low' I mean that my mood had to drop way below normal for me to pull it off. @ one point in the script it says that I get to the point where tears start to fall. I didn't manage to get there last night, but if I do it right it will automatically happen...or rather almost happen. I still find it hard to totally feel 100% w/o noticing that there are people watching and that's the trick...I have to get to that. It's not really a full out cry fest, it's just a subtle cry b/c this girl isn't really effected by much in her life...she seemed kinda numb when I first read the script. I dread and look forward to the time that I have to play a love obsessed crazed girl that gets dumped or has to deal with loss. The emotion that needs to be felt in that is severely intense...I've felt it many times b/f...I just don't know if I'm going to be able to pull it out of me. It's a great challenge and one that I will have to take on sooner or later. Very vulnerable and revelaing and that's super fucking scary!!! I knew though that last night the whole panel was impressed with me, b/c the mood of the room completely changed from the minute I walked in to a/f I was done. It was very apparent...and that's a good thing. You need to effect the people in the room with you...they have to believe you. When they asked me my availablility I noticed that here were conflicts, to which they replied that they could change the schedule if need be. 'Good sign'...fuck, even if I don't get the part. I know how close I was. Tonight I've got two more auditions I'm going to. I think another one is pretty intense b/c I have a dark past that's brought to the forefront. Should be fun!

My Mom went away yesterday. She's taking a trip with a group of women and they're going to Spain, Italy, Paris, and Portugal. I think she'll have an awesome time in all of those places. It's a three week trip and it's sort of a pilgrimage, so she'll be doing alot of praying and shit. Just an excuse to go on vacation if you ask me. I hope one day I'll be able to travel like that. I haven't really had many travelling experiences where I actually got to fully take in the place I was visiting. I'm a tad over-due...I think.

Love, CAT xXx