Tuesday, Oct. 14, 2003, 9:43 a.m.: package day...

Today's a pretty important day for me, a/f having quite the episodic weekend. Friday night, my freakish nature emerged with the full moon and it practically threw me off for my whole long weekend...not good. There is no use going into to it other than saying I know I started the downward spiral on my own and I didn't know how to stop it. My auditions went really well, as far as I was concerned, but my social and/or interpersonal skills were fucking ridiculous. Sometimes I don't even know how I relate to people @ all. I'm going to stop thinking a/b this this, b/c frankly it drives me insane. I feel much better when I cut myself off emotionally from everyone and I know that's not the way to be...so I'm fighting and fightting it. My eye is still twitching. It's been fucked for the last week, or so, and 'the boy' [whom I've stopped calling 'Master' b/c I haven't completely submitted to him yet and I figure it's hypocritical and blasphemous] says it has something to do with needing closure on some part of my life. I know how true that is and I've already begun the process. Hopefully I will be able to see the ex soon...he just has to get back to me now. So now back to why today is such an important day: I'm getting my packages ready for drop off. Tomorrow I'm taking the day and am going to a/b 10 agents to do my drop my offs, personally of course. I'm pretty confident that I'll get someone to bite. I think it's more a matter of getting who I really want...that being someone I can get along with like a Mother [or Father] and best friend. I mean, ideally I want someone who will support and push me b/c they believe in me like no other. Someone who knows, in their gut, that I'm going to do great things and b/c of that is always looking out for me...b/c I can benefit them as much as their interest in my career will benefit me. That's what I want in everybody actually.

Love, CAT xXx