Tuesday, Dec. 24, 2002, 8:43 a.m.: best for everyone...

It's X-Mas eve today. Tonight is when Santa swoops down on all of us and dishes of lots of fun shit. Well, that's how the story goes @ least. I didn't get to watch my usual 'Rudolf' or 'Snowman' stories. I think I even missed my all time favorite 'Nutcracker' ballet with Baryshnikov. Although that one may be shown on the actual X-Mas day. Tonight I'm suppose to head out to church with my parents. I never go on any other Sunday, but b/c my whole family is Catholic...I'm going to show them the respect of being there with them.

I was out shopping for 'my' gift from my Grandmother yesterday. Yes, I got my own gift cause she didn't know what I wanted and she's not been feeling well enough to go out looking with anyone for me...phew. I picked out some clothes and I got myself a collector's Barbie...the 'Fire and Ice' Barbie from the Olympic games last year...she's a hottie. Anyways, the box was busted and my girl-friend and I were waiting @ the counter trying to get a deal on it, when my friend felt 'slighted' by the cash guy. Being the not-very-rational-one I tried to calm her down by telling her that the kid didn't mean any disrespect by the way he answered her in a particular situation. She was set on the fact that he was being rude, and to be honest I never took him that way towards her, but I never really paid full attention either. I just wanted to make her feel positive instead of negative. Well, in the car we got into a bit of a tiff where she claimed that I was getting very worked up over her opinion and feeling. I don't pay much attention to how I am when I'm trying to prove a point, and I guess this was a point b/c I was over-looking her view and feeling in the situation. I mean well with it, but she was offended. So I was informed, later when we both calmed down, that I look like a scary bitch when I'm trying to prove something to someone. Usually people have to rationally talk me down out of my 'fits', but this was far from a fit as far as I thought. It looks like when I talk and I'm being agressive it looks like I'm attacking people. I was not aware of this look that I exume...apparently it's scary haha. I mean, it can be a total bad thing though, cause I look like a freak and I rememeber that freak look my Mother use to give me when I was little. It scared the fuck out of me and I would never mean to make anyone feel that way with me. Now, I know why my ex looked so fearful when he pushed me to my limit and I blew.

Speaking of my 'ex'. I saw the asshole walking down the street yesterady night on my way home. My heart didn't jump up into my throat this time. He looked good too, like he was over the whole ordeal. It was best for both of us, I'm sure you know.

Love, CAT XXX