2002-08-07, 8:51 a.m.: feeling possesed...

I was having killer dreams all night yesterday. I had two cups of really strong coffee b/f I went to bed and I think that had alot to do with it. I must have woken up @ least 5 times. I remember @ one point waking up during this dream where I could feel the prescence of a ghost and as I woke up I think it was exploding into me. It was pretty brutal. I had a hard time having a good nights sleep. I don't feel completely like myself today either.

I spent the evening with my aunt and she went through all her silver (jewelery) and was giving me pieces. We're pretty close...actually I'm very close with both of my aunts. It's much easier to connect with them than it is with my mother...I don't know why. I always had a hard time talking and dealing with my mom. Same with me and my dad. I said yesterday that if I can't get emotional support from them that I might as well accept their financial support. I mean, I value the emotional much more, but it would be stupid of me not to take the financial considering they really think it's all I need. In essence I'm doing them the favor. I use to believe that I didn't want any part of anything if they couldn't be there emotionally for me, but I've decided that that's just a load of shit. My aunt (Mom's sister) said that that's the only way her father knew how to show love too. See, my Dad is totally brain washed by my mother and so now he's the one who makes lots of money...hence their ability to provide me with the financial support. If it had been up to him, he would have lived on a farm with animals, enjoying a nautral and modest existence. I guess I should be clearer with how they are helping me financially here...My Dad bought a house a/b ten minutes from their place where he's going to run his business from. They offered the upstairs to me for a loft to live in...and I accepted. Half a year ago I would have spit in their faces, but I've matured since then...amazingly. I'm in a position where I need a place to live and I don't have much money to do it with. I was ready to move a/b 30 km east of where I am now, but they offered this to me. I'll be all alone there and I'll be responsile for the upkeep of the place in and out, which is fine. The house is a/b 100 yrs old and I was wondering a/b the whole ghost issue but I'll survive. I'm hoping this wont be that permanent, just long enough for me to save up some money and get a little further in my acting. Speaking of which...

I have an audition on Saturday for a film. So I have to whip up head shots in a night. Thursday I'm getting my hair done and then we're going to use a digital camera to do them. I'm praying that they'll come out okay. Hair and all...

Love, CAT XXX