2002-08-06, 8:57 a.m.: commitment free...

Second last holiday weekend in the summer and it went by way to fucking fast. I got alot done this weekend though, except for my grocery shopping...which means I have no food really. Tonight I have to get that done. Yesterday I had this meeting with my ex. I was driving and he was on the street and it was very fucked up. I was on my way to the grocery store and I saw him and his friend walking towards me. I flipped cause it was the first time I've seen him since we broke up and it was very strange. Then I got to the grocery store and noticed that it was closed, so I started back towards another grocery store. Now I'm driving in the direction that they are walking and I'm on the phone freaking out to my friend. Yea, I'm a complete drama queen. As I'm looking in my rear view mirror I see him looking towards my car and I thought for sure he saw me. So I continue to the other grocery store and find that it too is closed (which is fine, b/c it was an expensive one anyways and I didn't really want to shop there). So, again I drive out and I decide I'm just going to go home...I see him and his friend now diagonally across from me to my right going into a bar on the corner of the street. As I pull up to the light it turns red and I am stopped @ it. Just then they both walk out of the bar and cross the street on the other side of the road, infront of me. I'm waiting to make a left turn @ the light and am still freaking on the phone. I still had this feeling that he saw me, that he knew I was there. When the light turned green I made my turn and he looked right @ me and kind of saluted me in the car. I couldn't do anything cause I had the phone in one hand and my sunglasses on and my other hand on the steering wheel. I just stared right @ him and for that moment time just stopped. It felt like forever, and I can see him so clearly in my mind right now, but I know it was really just a second. I had to explain that one out b/c the timing was so extraordinary. I got over it as soon as I went inside, but it was a very surreal experience for me. I still miss him alot and I was hoping he would walk over to talk to me....but, I mean I knew it would never happen. He wont give me closure and I know why.

I'm really enjoying my time being single. I love the fact that I don't have to answer to anyone except myself. This is such a good feeling for me. I never fully realized how much I needed this. All those years of turmoil and all b/c I really just had to be alone. I'm like the leapord...I travel alone. The only thing that scares me a/b that is that I'm going to end up with such high expectations in a person that I'll never find them...I'll really live out my prophecy. I don't plan on getting married anytime soon, actually I never want to. I've decided that the only way I ever will is if I find someone who is totally unconditionally devoted mind, body and soul to me while still being strong and stable and secure. Is that even possible? Yes, I think it is. I mean shit. I rememebr when I couldn't even fathom living w/o my ex and for what? See, if you feed me negative energy, you create a monster b/c I can turn it into my positive. That is what I have realized a/b myself.

On another note. My best friend got back from her trip to Portugal on Sunday and was suppose to stop by my place yesterday. Instead she got tied up @ work and wasn't even going to call me. I was so pissed b/c you can't make a commitment to someone and then not call them to let them know that they can't make it. Don't fucking make a commitment to me if you can't keep it!! Botton fucking line. I called her up and was pissed b/c I mean THAT is just common courtesy especially from a friend. If it's some dumb ass that I don't give two fucks a/b then fuck 'em. I could care less a/b wasting my energy on them and next time round I know what to depend on them for. But a good friend? Not acceptable. Am I one of the only one left with integrity in this world? I fucking hope not. I'm being totally irrational here so bear with me. Okay, done with that.

Love, CAT XXX