2002-06-26, 8:53 a.m.: it's instinctual...

Class was short and sweet. My teacher conducts her classes in her apartment. Fuck, you should have seen this place. I love the colors of the walls...they were done in fuscia pink/red. Looking @ them made me want to paint my place right away. But, she had so much shit and clutter in the place that I couldn't imagine how she could think straight in there. There was just stuff in there, wall to wall. We all introduced ourselves and I let the class in on my little phobia to which most of them suggested I go to a psychiatrist to get rid of it. I had never actually considered going to a shrink for my phobia but now I'm thinking maybe it would be a good idea. I mean, it is covered for me if I get referred by my doctor. I guess it is kinda crazy that I live with it instead of trying to get it treated.

She got us to warm up by doing improvs. I never considered myself great @ improvs...which is a bad statement in itself. So, needles to say, I fucked my improv up pretty bad, although some would argue that you can't fuck up an improv...but, I found it hard to do what she asked us to do. My partner was not receptive @ all and I felt like I was up there all alone b/c when he screwed up I tried to help him out, but then when I was left with nothing to say he couldn't help me. I don't like partners like that, but I suppose I need to learn how to deal with them as well, right. For next week I have to pick my monologue and have it memorized so that we can work on them.

So when I got there yesterday, I parked on the side of the road. Now it's not often that I'm driving a/r t.o. during work hours and I failed to realize how many people ride bikes there. So I park, thinking nothing of it and I go to open my door. Well, isn't there a chick on her bike and she almost rode right into my door. Luckily she dodged it. I was fucking mortified @ the thought of hiting her on her bike...it was so close. I laughed a/f, b/c the thought of it was almost like something you'd see in a movie. But I'm sure it would not have been funny if she had slammed into my door.

I talked to the new boy yesterday night for a long time. He makes me crazy I'm telling you. Actually, it's the fact that he turns me on so much that makes me crazy. My brain just ceases up on me and all these sexual thoughts just swirl round and round my head. I can hardly think straight sometimes. I'm a slave to sex...what can I say. I'm going to have to be the agressor sexually with this one though, which gives me a sense of control...but really, he's the one controlling it b/c he just uses it to read me better. So, I have to ask myself...is he worth the risk either way? Well, yes obviously. Now, how do I want him to feel a/b me...that's the tough part. I think I'll just go with the trusted and true...my instinct.

Love, CAT XXX