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Monday, Nov. 28, 2005, 12:12 p.m.: updates...

It's been a while since I've stopped to actually sit down and write somehing. I've been more into reading other diaries than actually documenting my own happenings. My life has been moving so fast, since getting engaged, that I hardly have the chance to think a/b the process I've gone thru. Both K and I lead VERY busy lives and now we've combined them together, so that makes it even worse, but better...well, you know what I mean.

He's been working @ a new job for the last month. He's doing sales for a Human Resources company here in the city. It's not paying very well, but once he makes his first deadline he's going to ask for a raise. A well deserved one @ that!! As for me, I'm still here doing the insurance thing. I've become much more motivted here since getting engaged. I'm selling alot more and not worrying so much a/b the acting stuff. Since the wedding is going to cost us a pretty penny, I've become a slave to $$ like the rest of society. I'm not proud to admit it, but it takes $$ to pull off the wedding we want. Things have been secured on that front as well. We've decided to go with the castle we originally wanted. My parents have also agreed to front us any cash that we're short, so the cost has become that much easier. We had our first shoot day, last Wednesday, for the wedding show we're doing on the lifenetwork. I guess in a sense I'm still in the acting game somehow. It went well, but I have a feeling they're going to be portraying me as a bit of a spoiled brat. I scored this designer couture gown to wear for my wedding day. Our wedding planner hooked it up for me, but we had to do A LOT of promoting for the dress designer @ her shop while I was 'shopping for a dress'. They're making it look as if I spent like $5000 on a dress and I really spent $0. Don't you love the reality of 'reality' tv?! K's also still doing his own talk show. He signed his first sponsor to the show too, which means a bit more cash on that end coming in as well. Now he just needs to get 10 more...lol. Seriously, with all the people he has to pay in the process he needs like 10 sponsors to make a good amount of profit. It's good tho...things are coming along well.

On a more intimate level, my past issues are still coming back to haunt me. I have really negative feeings that I'm trying to deal with and it's a constant fucking up-hill battle. One of which I fail @, many times over. Can we ever really feel fully safe with someone? That's a question I thought I knew the answer to. I love K with all of my heart and I know he's the one for me, but fuck am I a chicken shit. I wish I had more balls when it came to love and loving someone. It's hard hard work. Scary as fuck too! But I keep plugging away...trying again...and keeping @ it. It's worth it. Moments/times like these don't come around that often.