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Thursday, Jul. 22, 2004, 1:42 p.m.: it's time...

I have been feeling like I want to jump off a bridge lately. Aside from some other emotional issues I've been dealing with, I think it's in direct relation to the shitty ass fucking weather!!! I mean, we're talking smoggy, over-cast, rainy, nasty, BULL-SHIT!!! Yesterday morning, @ the gym, I just wanted to die...literally. When I told my girlfriend how I had been feeling lately, she said that she had been bawling her eyes out on the way over in the car...for no apparent reason, just that she was feeling awful inside. I went back after work and did a spin class and that helped in lifting my mood a bit. It's really weird. I've been smoking a lot more pot recently and drinking more than usual, so that may have added effects too. Coming off all of that shit, I've probably depleted some of my happy chemicals. Today, the sun is starting to shine through but it's still cloudy and that makes me feel bad still. In a week I'll be off to NY. I hope the change of atmosphere is what I need. I just know I need something.

I've got two 'dates' today. Both guys are cool and fun to hang a/r with, I just feel like there's always something missing. I'm beginning to come to the conclusion that it's me. I think I have quite a few issues, mainly intimacy issues, that need to be dealt with. I haven't yet come to some sort of peace within myself a/b something. I guess I can't force it or anything either, it's just something that has to unravel by itself over time. I'll give myself that time...it's a/b time I did.