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Monday, Jun. 28, 2004, 1:49 p.m.: needs...

So, how weird is this? Now, I've always believed that if I was to be able to adapt to an 'open' realtionship, it would have to be with someone who was my emotional pillar. I'm a very jealous and possessive person, but if I know and feel that I'm number 1 and above everyone else...I can handle an open thing. @ the same time, I'm all a/b being loyal to only one person physically and emotionally...so it's a bit of a paradox. Physical interaction is highly over-rated though, b/c for me w/o emotional connection it means nothing and I'm so aware of that. I'm a fairly flexible person and am willing to try different things...equations as I like to call them. Okay, so there's this guy that I met on set a little bit back and we got along really well. I felt connected to him and he's attractive and you could tell there was the same thing going on on his end too. Well, I saw him on set yesterday again and the same type of deal was happening. Now, coming out of the whacked out thing I had with the previous one, I'm kinda bitter towards men in general right now...but I did feel a warmness towards this guy. He left b/f I did, but on my way home from set he calls me up. We talk a bit and then he asks me out, says we should hang out. I'm all up for it, of course, b/c anything that's going to expand my being right now, and get my mind of 'Mr. Confused', I'm into. Then he goes on to tell me that he wants to be open and honest with me and that 'He wants me to know that he has a girlfriend, but finds me very attractive and since they have this open thing going on, he'd like to get to know me better.' SHOCK!!! Stunned b/c this is something I've considered having and here's this guy who's right in the middle of it. I'm very interested now b/c I'm curious to see how they work this shit out. Anyways, I tell him that I was just getting out of a 'situation' myself right now and emotionally I'm not ready to be getting into anything, but we could totally hang out and have fun...and then whatever happens from there happens. I think it intrigues me too b/c I know it can't get much more serious with him and that's kinda safe for me right now. Dating is so confusing now...and emotional attachment is a head-ache. Either way though, he's cool as hell so I think he's going to be a great guy to get to know. Now, today I brought it up to this guy I know, who told me I should probably double chk that his 'girlfriend' really is cool with this...if I care @ all...which I do. I guess I'll just take these things as they come or go and not worry too much a/b them. The one [b/c I still believe in romance and shit] for me is out there somewhere...I know that.

Shooting yesterday was okay. I hate the director though now. Nobody understands the strain actors go through trying to stay in the moment. I was preparing for a crying scene that I had to do in a car and he's sitting in the back making sarcastic remarks to me and cutting up the movie I was in that he hasn't even seen yet. I was getting so pissed and when you're angry tears are not the first things that come out. I did the scene as best I could ad he was happy with it, but I wasn't fully there b/c he kept ruining my tears. Fucker!! He's such a selfish individual and so not emotional towards anyone...it really pisses me off. Control freak! Today he's been calling my phone and not leaving a message, which is fine b/c I don't want to talk to him but it's kinda freaking me out.

A/f the shoot I went to a bbq @ my girlfriend's new man's place. That boy can cook!!! I'm okay with her pick this time, looks like he really cares a/b her. He had a couple friends over and there was one that I took a liking too. He's young but it's not like I'm looking for anything that serious, so I'm not worried a/b it. Big kid though...tall, not my type physically. He's got that dominant thing going on though, which I'm beginning to realize is really just a submissive thing in disguise. Hmmm, we'll see what happens.

I also saw, for the first time, the finished product of my film. I was drunk when I watched it and not that happy with my performance but I think I was being really critical on myself. All in all the film looks good. My only complaint would be that it was edited a bit too fast...meaning it moves from scene to scene too quickly w/o enough digestion time for the audience. It didn't flow @ some points as well and I would have liked it to. I think people will be impressed with it though when it opens Wed night. I got my dress and everything so I'm set to be dolled up and shown off. Should be a great night!!!

I miss the boy, you know, but I'm not into emotional roller-coasters right now and I really think he neds to figure himself out...w/o me in the picture.