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Thursday, Apr. 22, 2004, 8:56 a.m.: think positive...

I had my scene study class last night. My teacher made us go much higher than we had expected in the closing part of the scene. He wants me almost in hysterics. It was freaky as hell when he added some physical restraint to the scene. Just by having my partner try to restrain me and make me face the truth a/b what he's saying to me, I get so riled up and in a confused rage that if we had started from the beginning I could have been bawling my eyes out. That's the point he wants me @, I believe. That's the point the character is @ really, in her life, and I want to work on getting there. Next week is our last class, I think.

Well today is a beautiful day out. Sunny, not too warm...it's just right. I really wish I didn't have to come into work so early in the morning. If I had it my way, I'd start @ 12 and work till 5. Our work days should be shorter anyways, we all work way too much in the western world. Too much work and not enough 'quality time'. We're all addicted to the rush, bustling a/r @ such high speeds trying to fit everything into a day. By the time we're ready for bed we don't even know what's really gone on. Never actually 'in' the moment...always planning the next one. That's why acting is so fulfilling for me. It's one of the only places I get to just sink into a moment, good or bad... and it's all safe too. My teacher said it takes alot of energy to invest that deeply emotionally into a moment. I agree but I initially feel this rush right a/f b/c it's amazing to be able to realease and be truly free for those few moments in time. Then you crash and burn a/f and pray that you're near a bed. Last night I had a coffee and a coke during class and when I got home I fell asleep so fast and I slept like a baby till this morning. No waking up, on and off, like I have been the past little while. Talked to my boy too yesterday. I couldn't wait any more and I was wondering why he hadn't called to tell me a/b a big audition he had, like he usually does. The day was busy for him and so he was just pre-occupied. I thought he was mad @ me for some reason. I am quite the drama queen sometimes...it's funny. Something just keeps pulling me to him, it's really beyond my control.

I'm suppose to meet this cutie tonight for drinks. He's got for me a copy of one of the latest shorts I just finished. I'm trying to round up all of my latest shit so that I can put it together for a demo. I talked to the photo lab and I'm going to compose a comp sheet [8x10] with 4 of my shots on it, for my next agent send off. If I don't get any bites now, there is something definately wrong with this life picture for me. The pics are great, all four shots convey a different mood, I look physically different in each shot. An agent would have to be crazy not to want to call me in for a meeting. That and I've got my first movie coming out and playing in the city this summer. I don't know what I'm going to do if this shit fails?! For now though, I will just think positively.