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Friday, Dec. 19, 2003, 8:57 a.m.: quite the week...

Well plans with the new guy got fucked up yesterday. He got called in to work and had to cancel. I never got to talk to him...he left me a message on my phone and wanted to re-schedule for Sunday. Of course Sunday is my b-day and I already have a shit load of stuff going on so when I talk to him I'll have to tell him that. I tried to call him back, figured I'd leave a message on his phone, but the damn thing doesn't have an answering service. He seems eager though to get-together b/c he called me back again later that night. I didn't answer though so he's going to have to try again if he really wants to see me. Now here's my rule: I can hang out with him but I CANNOT FUCK him.

My ex has been bombarding me with his pity e-mails. He is constantly trying to see if I'll bite but he's pretending that he just needs to vent. If you just need to vent, do it in a journal or something. We are not close anymore, we never really were as far as I'm concerned. I guess he's trying to play to my compassionate side. I tried to take the pressure off by telling him we just weren't right for each other and we both fucked up and that's just the way it goes. He's living a terrible life right now but I feel nothing for him. I just want him to get me out of his head.

The acting thing has almost completely slowed down for the holidays. A/f this Saturday's audition I'll be free for a bit...to just chill and get back to my normal self. I'm going to the audition with 'the boy', it's a/b 3hrs away from where we live. I think I have to get up really early too for it. He called me yesterday and eased my mind a/b the whole ex thing, but then he went and said some fucking stupid shit a/b my b-day. I don't know if he was just fucking a/r with me, like he likes to do, but if he was being serious I'm going to have to cut him off my emotional investment list. Contradicting fucker...he makes me want to hit him in the face sometimes. I've already placed high expectations on him and I don't know if that was such a good idea. I really just need to chillout and enjoy the time I spend with him. He is the only person I've opened up to as much as I have...it's really hard to believe. I'm starting to trust my instincts with him more and more and that's a good thing. We'll see.

So many people have died within the last 2 weeks. It's really unbelievable. I think the number is sitting @ 6 right now. So 6 deaths and 1 birth...within my direct vicinity. It's been quite the week. Tonight I just want to hang out with all my girlfriends for my birthday. Drink some wine, chat, laugh, flirt. I can't stay out too late b/c of the next morning, but if Sat night doesn't go as I want it too...then I'm going to go out dancing for sure.

<3 ~CAT~ xXx