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Tuesday, Apr. 01, 2003, 8:40 a.m.: mistake me...

I picked up this shit called 'lip glass' by Mac the other day. It's a gloss that goes either straight on your lips or over a color and it makes your lips look like they've been dipped in candy. I told my girlfriend that I wanted that 'just finished sucking a dick' look. It really does give me that impression when I look @ them, she agreed too. They look so puckered and swollen and raw. I also bought a new lipstick cause I needed a new summer color. I wanted this berry shade, but when I put it on my lips it looked hideous. The pigment in my lips is dark already so only dark colors stay the same shade on me. I went with a mauve that looks vampy, but isn't as dark as my winter color. It looks very yummy.

I had a dream that I was climbing through snow last night and then I woke up to find that it was fucking snowing outside!! Not the greatest wake-up call, but @ least I'm not waking up to bombing and shit. There's this crazy fucked up illness called SARS that's been floating a/r lately. It's the cousin, or something, to the common cold but it can kill you. It's killed a/b 100 people already. The doctor who discovered it just died two days ago. Some hosptials have been closed down. Anyone whose come in contact with someone who has had the illness has to be quarantined for 10 days. All the other people working in hospitals, that are open, have to wear masks a/r. It's scary, cause they think it's air borne which is really fucked up shit. I've been paranoid a/b going anywhere, but it hasn't stopped me yet. I'm even worried a/b going to this open call audition tonight. I know, I could totally be being irrational... but still. Just standing a/r a bunch of people I don't know is going to make me nervous. I'm just not going to talk to anyone.

I've been feeling insecure and shit lately. Underneathe the way I am every day, it just kind of lingers there. I'm not sure if it's b/c I feel very alone and that's what brings it on, or if it's that I haven't been happy with my performing lately. I met up with my parents and my little sister for dinner last night. She had just finished a dance competition and I had just gone to the gym. I notice how I don't feel any sort of connection with my mother...it's just this very dead feeling. And my Dad, well he's a great guy...but we still don't communicate very well. It's always a strained effort when I'm a/r them. It always feels wrong when I try to speak to them. So then I just don't bother, and I turn all my attention to my little sister b/c she's much easier to talk to. It's very easy to rage or lash out @ them, b/c that's what I've excelled @ the most where they are concerned. But that's just useless. I think it's just better if I stay away, you know. Cause there's already total favoring going on and I'm not willing to facilitate that shit. Although I may be giving it more power by pulling out of the situation and feeding the fovortism, but for my mental stability it's better this way. I'm extremely lucky to have friends who are vey close and loyal to me, case it makes up for the shit I have to put up with. I finally got a/r to watching my tape from my on-camera scene study class. I was surprised to see that it wasn't as bad as I thought it was, but I'm very reserved when I act. For some reason I've got it in my head that since I'm usually overly animated it's going to appear too over-the-top on film. So I try to reserve myself and then I look all stiff and shit. It completely sucks! So I've decided to just be natural and then let the teacher correct me, based on what I would do normally. Sometimes I try to do it all myself and make my own corrections, as if I'm goiing to be praised for being so great. But what I fail to remember is that I'm there to learn and BE TAUGHT, to make mistakes and then get it right. But the only way I'll ever get it right is if I begin by doing what I do naturally. See I'm scared to be wrong. It's been ingrained that I'm not good enough if I don't get it right and my family was never easy on me when I made mistakes...and I made ALOT of them. It's cool though, this is just another thing to over-come...just one more challenge. I live for this shit.

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