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Monday, Feb. 10, 2003, 8:47 a.m.: realities and fantasies...

Well, I had one of the worst dance audition experiences yesterday!! I went down with an actor girl friend of mine to try out for the dancers on a cruise ship. Now, we didn't really have plans of actually going, had we been chosen, but we still had this fantasy that we were going to spend 6 months on a crusie ship. So we tunred up in a room of a/b 100 girls...myself being one of the shortest and smallest. You know, I really didn't realize how tiny I was until I was compared to the general population of people in the mirror. My boots usually give me like 4 extra inches, so when I was on flats beside my girl friend I was a damn midget. Anywasy, we had no time to warm up and we thrown into across the floor work. Spins and jumps that I ahd never done in my life b/f. Everytime I fucked up I would make this huge dramatic exagerrated motion. We were the loudest and most abnoxious of all the girls, but it was funny as hell. @ the end when we were taught the routine I couldn't even see the choreographer b/c there were just so many people. So we didn't get chosen to stick a/r for the 2nd round. We walked out cursing everyone who had been chosen...joking of course. So, a/f that audition I decided that the next time we ever do soemthing like that we HAVE to go to class for 2 weeks straight b/f. We were so not prepared and not even for only the chance of being chsoen (b/c there are many factors that are invlved with choice of dancers and shti) but just so that we are up to par with the girls. I was pissed @ myself for not being prepared, but it only lasted till we went to eat lunch. Now I know better for next time.

A/f we had lunch, I had another audition to head out too. This one was being casted by some students I had worked with @ the end of last year on another film. They were so excited to see me and ran up to hug me. Already they made me fel so much better. So I went in to audition and found another guy who remembered me from a previous film (that I almost got casted for). I perfomed my monologue and then sat down and read the sides three different ways for them. When they make you read it three different ways, that's a goood sign cause they're testing you in different modes. That was awesome and when I finished the camera chick (who was on set with me for a previous film too) came up to me and hugged me good bye, telling me she hoped she saw me soon. So that experience TOTALLY made up for my rejected morning!!!! I've got another audition today that I think is being casted by the same girls. I love to dance but I don't really like it in an auditon atmosphere. that's why I love acting so much...I can do what the hell I want, to a certain degree, and then I get to switch it up...for some more fun. I love dancing when I just dance by myself. No technique...just complete freedom flowing to music.

I got into a childish fight with my mother over the w/e too. She was being an ignorant bitch and I called her on it and we started this huge battle. She even had the nerve to throw in, @ the end when she couldn't get anywhere with me, a 'Why do you alwasy have to cause problems when you came here?'. As if my standing up for what I believe is right, against racist and hurtful attitudes, has anything to do with MY starting problems!!!! I was completely calm and rudely sarcastic to her, in response to her attitude...but when I left my house I was SO angry. It fucked up my head for the rest of the night. I couldn't even think straight when I went out later that night....I was mentally exhausted. Whatever. I've decided to just not react to that kind of behavior from her. It drains me of my energy and I don't need that shit.

I dreamt I had a threesome with my ex yesterday. Awesome dream, but WTF?! My ex?! I woke up thinking a/b 'nsnb' though. Now that was absolutely amazing!!!