Monday, May. 30, 2005, 1:13 p.m.: transfiguration...

Today is an interesting day. Alot has been happening to me, internally, over the last several days. It's funny b/c wherever you go, you can never run away from yourself, you know. No matter what new people, or occurences happen in your life, you have to face your true self @ one point or another. You have to consciously make a decision to change or stay the same...and if your choice is to stay the same...you'll never grow as a human being or ultimately, as a spiritual entity. I keep smacking face first into myself and all the things that hold me back in life. The best thing that could have happened to me is my meeting my fiance K. He literally calls me on all my 'imperfections', to call them something, and forces me to look @ who I am and who I want to become. I had a run-in with my Mother last night. She is one of the main factors of my inability to deal in certain situations, or what have you. She's a very weak woman with an outer shell that she keeps so thick, she can barely see herself thru it anymore. Of all the things she's said thru the years, yesterdays had to be the worst. She took an innocent bystander and brought him into a situation that didn't involve him... and to make herself feel better [and to justify her point] she took personal stabs @ him with regards to his private family history. In her maniacal behaviour tho, I saw myself @ my lowest. I realized last night that b/c I am aware of my 'issues' and what casued them, I have the power to re-write them. Her selfish and cruel reaction brought me healing, in a sense, b/c I have made the decision to NOT EVER continue to react the way she does. I know that I will suffer the same fate if I don't do something to better msyelf and empower myself NOW. I would always, in a certain way, be the victim and that is NOT who I want to be. Conditioning is a terrible thing. Complacency sits close to death...and routine will ruin us all. Challenge yourself, in everything you do. Dare yourself to step beyond your comfort zone. Look inside and ask yourself, who am I really and what is it I'm really yearning for and in what way can I attain this 'thing'...positively.