Monday, Dec. 06, 2004, 10:47 a.m.: not to worry...

Had a dream this past weekend. I dreamt that my Mother died. It was werid tho b/c she didn't die infront of me or anything, I just knew she wasn't a/r anymore. She started disappearing from pics and it was just obvious that I'd never see her again. I was crying in my sleep so when I woke up I was all wet faced and confused. I figured out why I had that dream...came to the conclusion this morning, while in the shower @ the gym. It was the realization that if she can't accept K [or K and I], I will have to erase her from my psyche, or kill her symbolically. I guess in a way I let her effect me, b/c she has been. Hers and any other family memebrs dissaproval or down right hate and lack of respect can get to you. It can really play games with your mind, when your own family can't understand you or allow you to be happy. The worst part of it is that I feel that I can't be genuine with them or the fact that even to be 'nice' feels like I'm disrespecting my own self. It sucks, plain and simple...but it's something I will have to deal with forever. Life goes on and I want to live my life with K, my truest supporter and the only one in my life who has proven to me what it really means to love unconditionally. I broke down in hysterics last night with K b/c I knew that the way my family was reacting to us [him] was starting to eat away @ my happiness with him. I was letting it effect me and our relationship and I needed his strength to deal with it. I'm not ashamed that I cried my eyes out, like a little baby, infront of him. He made me feel so much better a/b the situation and proved to me once again how much we love each other and how strong we, together, can be. He really is amazing. I swear I'd die if something ever happened to him. He is the love of my life.

Other than that emotionally charged incident, we had a great weekend. Got alot of our xmas shopping finished. I only have my friends to buy for now. They're all getting 'gift packages' packed with thongs, and other fun stuff. Is it weird that I'm getting them all thongs for xmas?? I wouldn't mind getting thongs for xmas...you can never have enough of them. Okay, I lied actually. I also have to buy for my two sisters and K...the most important people on my list. Thankfully my finances will be in order for a/r then, so that will make it so much easier to handle for me. I @ least wanted to make sure that those 3 get good hefty gifts. I love buying presents for people!

We decided to write xmas cards to all the top casting directors in the city. So we took a shot of ourselves together, in front of the xmas tree in his lobby, and we're going to send it with the cards. A little creativity for them. I wonder how many actor couples have done that b/f? The cards are going to be cute...I thought it was a great idea. We're going to do the same for some of the top agents in the city as well as any other VIP's. This city is so dry right now tho, it's so depressing. We're suffering from one of the dryest spells in the industry ever. What a bad time to be an actor in Canada. It's okay tho, we'll be getting out of here very soon so not to worry.

Today was our first official snow fall. It's stopped now, but it was backing people up an hour just to get to work. I went to the gym early this morning, say a/r 6.45am, so by the time I was finished it wasn't even 8 yet. I got here early as hell and managed to avoid all the traffic and possible accidents on the way. Early gym in the winter does have its up side.