Tuesday, Mar. 30, 2004, 9:55 a.m.: slipping...

I'm definately slipping into my cynical depressive state. When I get like this I start to doubt everyone a/r me. Nobody is trustworthy and I only see the most negative of traits in people. Really I should just stay in and not associate with anyone a/r this time, but I guess if I want to work on this debilitating problem I should learn to fight the urge. The thing is it's not just everyone, it's everyone that's close to me...so it can be a little emotionally burdening on them, b/c it is on me, you know. Especially since it's the people who are the most loyal to me that I tend attack. The others I just ignore. I don't know how I'm going to survive tonight. I have this 'media event' to go to. It's the opening of a hotel downtown and a shit load of media will be there so the cast of my movie are going to go down and try to promote our own opening. We're worked out a deal with the hotel for any family members that will be staying here from out of town. I guess I can be fake though...even though I hate it. Or maybe I'll just be a bitch instead and get some attention that way.

So I haven't heard anything from my doctor, which I equate with a good thing. My mother keeps bugging the fuck out of me, telling me to call my doc myself for the results. Can't she just let it be?! I finally am hearing nothing and she has to stress me out more. I figure, if I'm fucking dying...that bitch can call me herself to give me the news. I'm NOT calling her!!! I was tempted though and I picked up the phone and started dialing but then decided against it. I can't imagine that she would loose my chart, like my mother seems to think. Just b/c it happened once, to her, doesn't mean it's happening again. Of course, it's possible but fuck...why do I have to stress here?!?!

I've realized, as of late, that I have some emotional problems. Yea, we all do but I have them to the extent of blocking myself off from people emotionally b/c I fear the unknown. I can't seem to grasp the whole fact that people leave you in this life, b/c of whatever. I just can't deal yet with that...so I try to sabotage it b/f they can. As if I have control over something. I realized that in doing that I distance myself from the one thing I want more than anything...to be close to someone. To be intimately close with someone, who shares and cares for me as much as I do for them. And the fact that I really think I can control this makes me more out of control that anyone. It's so ironic. Am I living in a fucking dream world? Sometimes I believe I am and I retreat to my own solitude b/c of it. That one thought triggers it. I'm so in a downward spiral right now that I should really just shut up.

<3 ~CAT~ xXx