Monday, Mar. 15, 2004, 9:34 a.m.: little revelations...

I dreamt yesterday that Ben Affleck picked me up in the line up @ a grocery store. He followed me a/r and asked me out and then my dream changed. Then I was in this building that must have been a strip joint, though it didn't look like one, b/c I was taking some guy down a hallway and into a private room to give him a lap dance. He was stripped down to his boxers and it looked like he was tied to the chair, although he may have just been gripping the chair a/r the back with his hands. I'm not sure who the guy in the chair was, but he seemed to resemble the bouncer @ the club Saturday night. So rewind to Saturday night. We [the girls and me] all head out to this new club. It was good b/c it's most popular as an after hours so chicks are free b/f 12.30am and there's plenty of room to really dance while people are slowly filling the place up. I immediately notice that ALL the fucking bartenders are women. Then I spot this bouncer, fucking beautiful boy, and he reminded me off 'my boy' so much. I fall in lust and figure he's gotta be Egyptian...just my style. He didn't notice me though, @ least not that I could tell. He kept moving a/r checking different areas of the bar out...he was hardly still for a moment. The only time I saw him relax was when he sat on this chair and I think that's where that picture in my dream came from. Fuck he was hot!! I definately have a thing for Middle Easterns and they usually have a thing for me...and if this guy wasn't so pre-occupied with his work he would see that too. I'll have to make more of an effort to catch his eye next time.

Friday I didn't get to go salsa dancing. I went to see Starsky & Hutch, with my sidekick girlfriend, which was so funny!! Ben Stiller made me laugh my fucking ass off. I have a huge crush on him now b/c of this movie. By the time we were finished I found out that the salsa bar had been changed to just a regular bar and I wasn't in the mood to just go to ANY bar and dance. We went to get a drink a/f and just talked and then we both went home. It was pretty low key but nice.

I had this kick ass audition on Saturday too that I HOPE HOPE HOPE I get. It looked really promising and the group of them seemed to love me, but I haven't heard back from the director yet and that's worrying me. I really want this part. The short is going to be shown @ the Gay & Lesbian film festival and will be great exposure for me. I felt excellent a/b my performance and I took direction well. I'm just worried that someone else blew them away with a performance b/c that's the only way I'm not getting this...well obviously, I guess. So pray for me people...if anyone is out there listening to my plea. I so fucking need this...and the group of them will be excellent to work with. They're all gay too which makes it even that much more comfortable.

I spent the night with my boy and we went to see the new Johnny Depp movie. He makes me so happy and when we see each other it's like we're two kids full of excitement. It was nice too to be together and not be power struggling. For once we could actually just be and neither of us felt like we were getting hurt by the other one. We're really just a couple of overly-sensitive creatures, connected so closely that it's so easy to cross the lines between love and hate or pain and pleasure. Both volatile and defensive and full of hurt on bad days but so full of compassion and empathy and love on the good days. Complicated to say the least. I love him like no other.

<3 ~CAT~ xXx