Tuesday, Mar. 02, 2004, 9:35 a.m.: all is well...

I always have this fear that people are going to leave me. When I say leave me, I guess that can vary depending on the situation. I'm not that clingy of a person, on the outside, but I gravitate towards those who are clingy themselves...to me, in one way or another. It may be some sort of sick sub-conscious reverse psychology I'm playing on myself. That's a twisted one, eh? B/c you see, if I have people who are attached to me, for whatever reason, then I'm in the safe position to do as I please. To keep myself @ bay enough so that I don't get too attached to anyone in particular...just in case. It gives me alot of control in certain given situations...but, you know, I've been thinking a/b how crushed I may become if these people do actually lose their clingy tendencies and leave. It makes me feel better that I keep myself somewhat detached b/c in the end we're all alone again, no matter what happens. I don't fear being alone though...it's not that. I fear not being prepared to be alone. Or maybe I'm just scared shitless to admit to myself that I really need these people. I guess, all in all, it's the same shit.

The gym yesterday was a perfect release for me. I just kept going and going and going. I started my day out feeling really sluggish. The weather was shit and I woke up with a bit of a headache. I think everyone else was feeling that way too b/c the class was filled with a bunch of dead-beats. I was just so happy to fucking finally be there that my excitment took over. I was flying a/f and then I crashed when I went to my girlfriend's house. As soon as I sat my ass down on her couch to watch 'Average Joe' [which had the dumbest finale I've ever experienced so far, I might add] I wanted to pass out. It could have been the fact that it's a futon and she had it opened up like a bed. That may have induced some sleepy feelings in me...it is very possible. We had a nice heart-to-heart, like we always do when we get together, and I was just beat.

I have a docs appt today. Gonna get my tit checked out and get myself tested. I went in a/b amonth ago to get the doc to look @ some thicker like tissue in my right breast. I was playing with my tits one night and I found that they kinda felt different. They grew for one, and I couldn't tell if what I was feeling was just gland growth or something else. So being the hypochondriac I am, I made an appointment. She told me to monitor what I eat and keep checking and then come back to see her. If she thinks it still feels a little to thick, she'd send me in for another test. So this is the perfect time to get tested for other shit too, since I've just switched up partners. Kinda over-due but better late than never is how I look @ it. I want him to get tested too...and I want to see his results, in front of my face...on paper. I'm not even kidding here...and hopefully all is well, with both of us.

<3 ~CAT~ xXx