Thursday, Sept. 18, 2003, 9:32 a.m.: alone...

I went and pulled off my 16 yr old rebel child yesterday night. Well, I mean I assume I did...but whether the 'panel' saw me as 16 is another story. Who cares?! It would be great if I got it though, 'cause it's another feature and I need some more credits to add to my resume. I'm bored!! I feel like I need to be doing more again, already.

I stupidly went on a tangent last night with someone. I guess I get more bothered than I think I do, in regards to my parents. I don't like feeling the responsibility of their problems even though I know I can get the other one to see rationally. I know it shouldn't be my problem and yet I feel the need to fix it. So, it bothers the fuck out of me and I went on a/b it to him and then felt like a complete idiot a/f. Remind me never to do that kind of shit again!! Instead I'm going to write it to my journal only and deal with it there. He's not in any position to be any kind of emotional blanket anyways.

Tonight I'm going with some girlfriends to see Sam Roberts. I don't really like him all that much, but his music is bearable so I said I'd go. There is something a/b being with a bunch of people and listening to music that really appeals to me. Whether it's dancing to it or just enjoying it, in the centre of your being, while being still. I never turn down a concert now.

I went for a tan last night b/f I headed out to my audition. It was the most peaceful experience I've felt in a while. Okay, in all honesty the most peaceful I've felt in a long time was right a/f I had sex with 'the boy'. I was riding that high the whole day...it was just beautiful...but I digress. So I'm in this heat bed, that usually reminds me of a coffin, and I'm feeling as if the centre of my back [between my shoulder blades] is dropping out from under me every 10 seconds. And then I fall, but I come to...and then it starts all over again. This kept going on until the light abruptly turned off and I was laying naked in the freezing coffin of lights again. Fully awake...back to reality...and alone. It's a good thing I love myself...alot.

Love, CAT xXx