Thursday, Sept. 11, 2003, 10:07 a.m.: free me...

I have this emotional defense mechanism. It kicks in when I think I'm going to get hurt. I'm not sure if people a/r me can tell what's going on inside of me, but I feel this invisible wall going up a/r me. I'm a deeply feeling person, but sometimes it's just gotta be dealt with. Fuck, pick it up and put it back together, b/c I have no control over anyone else's actions but my own. Yes, it sucks majorly but it's a reality. I cannot stop somebody from going away even though everything inside me screams 'stay'. Loss is a huge part of life and the sooner I understand that, the quicker I can recover from heartache. I am being a bit over-dramatic here, but it is necessary.

I'm shooting the final scenes of the Feature tonight. Then this project will be put behind me. On to other things...primarily, the quest for an agent...the perfect manager. I kinda feel like going away right now actually. Just taking off to somewhere far and unknown. This is going to vear off topic, but there was talk of my going to Africa in February with my sister and a girlfriend of hers. I think it would be beautiful and rejuvinating. I'm awestruck @ just the thought of it. Or horseback riding...I would love to just go riding right now. It would be amazing!

Love, CAT xXx